Bear News Beartown News

JANUARY 1, 2003



Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours.
    St. Mom's Wort
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
    Empty Nestrogen
Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you
couldn't wait till they moved out.

Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on

Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person... can we get naked now?"
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
    Extra Strength Buy-One-all
When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donny Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total stranger!
More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now, dear, I have a headache," syndrome.
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.


At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service." The act of doing things for other people.
Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
 Postal Service
Civil Service
Service Stations
Customer Service
City/County Public Service
And I became confused about the word
"service."  This is not what I thought "service" meant.
Then one day, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull
service a few of his cows. SHAZAM!! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.


Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Let's see now .
. No beer, No booze, No bars, No television, No cheerleaders, No baseball, No football, No basketball, No hockey, No golf, No tailgate parties, No hooters, No pork BBQ, No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy
next door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. No chocolate chip cookies, No Christmas. You can't shave, Your wife can't shave, You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. But your donkey has a better disposition. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

No mystery here.

Did somebody say Beartown?


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