Bear News Beartown News

SEPTEMBER 1, 2004

MYSTERY

REPUBLICAN  NATIONAL  CONVENTION  COMES TO BEARTOWN

Security will be at its highest level and the Beartown Constable is in charge.  Two different schedules exist; one is real and the other false.  This tactic was devised by the Constable to assure top notch security.

SCHEDULE  A

6:00pm - Opening prayer
6:15pm - Supplementary opening prayer
6:30pm - Prayer in thanks of first two prayers
6:45pm - New energy policy presented by Exxon
7:00pm - Canonization of Reagan
7:15pm - Additional prayers
7:30pm - Opening remarks by Halliburton
8:00pm - Prayer for the safety and well-being of Ken "Kenny-boy" Lay
8:15pm - Additional remarks by Halliburton
8:30pm - Stoning of the first homosexual
8:45pm - New healthcare polices presented by HMO leader, Kaiser Permanente
9:00pm - Invasion of Iran or North Korea (TBA)
9:15pm - Halliburton contributes $1.4 billion to Republican party
9:30pm - Reagan elevated to savior, Holy Trinity now referred to as "the quads"
9:45pm - Bush undergoes plastic surgery to look more like Reagan
10:00pm - Cheney runs into Ron Reagan, Jr. Tells him to go *#^(@?" himself.
10:15pm - Recall of troops from accidental invasion of South Korea (Bush says: "Damn, the SOUTH is our ally.)
10:30pm - Burning at the stake of 16 year-old Jenny Williams, who had an illegal abortion after being raped by her cousin.
10:45pm - Dancing around the golden calf
11:00pm - Stoning of the partner of the first homosexual
11:15pm - New forestry policy presented by Weyerhaeuser
11:45pm - Thanking God for his wisdom in choosing Bush as president
12:00pm - Closing prayers (lasting until 2:00am)
2:00 am - Hookers arrive for all delegates

SCHEDULE  B

6:00 PM Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Fallwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance (twice)
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: "Getting your kid a military deferment"
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it's what's for dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: "The Homos are after your children"
8:30 PM Round table discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: The government of the future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' That Man"
9:10 PM EPA Address #2: "Trees: The real cause of forest fires"
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: "Doublespeak made easy"
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration of how to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of Black Republicans
10:46 PM Seminar #3: "Education: a drain on our nation's economy."
11:10 PM Hillary Clinton Piņata
11:20 PM Second Lecture by John Ashcroft: "Evolutionists: The dangerous new cult"
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again.
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself
12:00 PM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord


FROM LAST MONTH

DRAW A PERFECT SQUARE AND EQUALLY DIVIDE IT INTO 9 EQUAL SQUARES (3 HORIZONTALLY & 3 VERTICALLY).  USING THE NUMBERS 1-9 (USE EVERY NUMBER ONLY ONCE) MAKE ALL VERTICAL AND HORIZONTAL COLUMNS, AS WELL AS DIAGONAL, EQUAL 15.                                      

ANSWER

4   9   2
3   5   7
8   1   6


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