Bear News

Beartown News




WASHINGTON, D.C. – When President Bush's medical records were released in August, they revealed that he had been treated for symptoms "consistent with early, localized Lyme disease" in August 2006. Lyme disease is usually contracted through the bite of a deer tick, which the President may have suffered during one of his bike rides.
The White House explained that it had kept this information secret because “it wasn't worth reporting,” but that explanation is belied by the fact that the White House also said it is not ruling out terrorism in this incident.
“It is very easy for a terrorist to sneak a tick into the country,” a national security expert said on the promise of anonymity. “Ticks are so small we don’t have proper screening devices to scan for them. Then, once a terrorist knows where the president rides, how hard is it to plant the tick?”

The current tick-alert level is set at high. Fornication outdoors is strongly proscribed.

Although late night talk show hosts made jokes about the president’s disorientation, mangled syntax, paranoia, forgetfulness, and other symptoms of Lyme disease, the White House believes this is not a laughing matter.

Therefore, starting Monday the National Transportation Safety Board is requiring all travelers entering the country with anything beyond a modest tan to strip down completely and submit to body-crevice checks. Travelers are being advised to arrive at airports at least thirty to sixty minutes before their scheduled departures, depending on their weight and the number of folds and crevices in their bodies.
Homeland security officials report they have no "actionable intelligence" indicating that al Qaeda is planning to infest the country with ticks but are endorsing this step nevertheless as an overabundance of caution.
At a White House press conference President Bush sought to assure the nation—by directly addressed the tick problem—that he bore no ill effects from his brush with Lyme disease.
"We are facing, uh, an enemy that, uh, enemies, heh-heh, that likes to hide in little, uh, crevices, in orifices, in your, heh-heh, pubic hair, and then they, uh, latch on to you and suck your very blood. Americans have to be, uh, ever vigilant in looking for these terrist bloodsuckers. You’re either with us or, uh, er, with the ticks, heh-heh.”


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
This site hosted by