WASHINGTON, D.C. – When
President Bush's medical records were released in
August, they revealed that he had been treated for
symptoms "consistent with early, localized Lyme disease"
in August 2006. Lyme disease is usually contracted
through the bite of a deer tick, which the President may
have suffered during one of his bike rides.
The White House explained that it had kept this
information secret because “it
wasn't worth reporting,” but that explanation
is belied by the fact that the White House also said it
is not ruling out terrorism in this incident.
“It is very easy for a
terrorist to sneak a tick into the country,”
a national security expert said on the promise of
anonymity. “Ticks are so small we
don’t have proper screening devices to scan for them.
Then, once a terrorist knows where the president rides,
how hard is it to plant the tick?”
 |
|
The current tick-alert
level is set at high. Fornication outdoors is
strongly proscribed.
|
Although late night talk show hosts made jokes about
the president’s disorientation, mangled syntax,
paranoia, forgetfulness, and other symptoms of Lyme
disease, the White House believes this is not a laughing
matter.
Therefore, starting Monday the National Transportation
Safety Board is requiring all travelers entering the
country with anything beyond a modest tan to strip down
completely and submit to body-crevice checks. Travelers
are being advised to arrive at airports at least thirty
to sixty minutes before their scheduled departures,
depending on their weight and the number of folds and
crevices in their bodies.
Homeland security officials report they have no
"actionable intelligence"
indicating that al Qaeda is planning to infest the
country with ticks but are endorsing this step
nevertheless as an overabundance of caution.
At a White House press conference President Bush sought
to assure the nation—by directly addressed the tick
problem—that he bore no ill effects from his brush with
Lyme disease.
"We are facing, uh, an enemy
that, uh, enemies, heh-heh, that likes to hide in
little, uh, crevices, in orifices, in your, heh-heh,
pubic hair, and then they, uh, latch on to you and suck
your very blood. Americans have to be, uh, ever vigilant
in looking for these terrist bloodsuckers. You’re either
with us or, uh, er, with the ticks, heh-heh.”
