I thought it was much easier to put a letter in the wonderful Beartown News than try to call all youse relatives as how most don't have no telephone.

Yee Haw to all my relatives,

Why didn't ya'll comence to Ma's trailer park BBQ July 4?  Whooeee!  It sure was a hog-wrastlin' hum dinger!  We played all sorts o' games, like "Kiss the Cousins" and "Nascar Drankin Time"!
I even wanted first dibs on you for my favorite game "Squeal Like A Pig - You Got A Pretty Mouth"
Wanna come by for some left over hog jowls?  There's a WHOLE HEAP of 'em waitin' for ya!

CLETUS

Reacting to Federal Guidelines, the state of Massachusetts, which has been highlighted as a role model for student testing by 2 U.S. Senators from this State, released the following memo:

In response, the Federal No Child Left Behind Act, students will have to pass the test to be promoted to the next grade level. In the hopes that it will be uniformly adopted by all the states, thus illuminating Massachusetts to a glorious front runner position in education, it will be called the Federal Arithmetic and Reading Test (FART).
All students who can not pass a FART in the 2nd grade will be retested in grades 3-5 until such a time as they are capable of achieving a FART score of 80%.
If a student does not successfully FART by grade 5, that student shall be placed in a separate English program, the Special Massachusetts Elective for Loquacious Language (SMELL).
If with this increased SMELL program the student cannot pass the required FART, he or she can graduate to middle school by taking one-semester course in Comprehensive Reading and Arithmetic Preparation (CRAP).
If by age 14, the student cannot FART, SMELL, or CRAP, he or she will earn a promotion in an intensive one-week seminar. This is the Preparatory Reading for Unprepared Nationally Exempted Students (PRUNES).
It is the opinion of the Massachusetts Department of Public Instruction that an intensive week of PRUNES will enable any student to FART, SMELL, or CRAP.
U.S. Senators Ted Kennedy and John Kerry stated that this revised provision of the student-testing testing program should help clear the air.

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