AUGUST 1, 2001
LETTER FROM GATORTOWN Miss.
miss Beartown and all you fine folks. It is hot here and
I don't have to cut wood all year. The language here is
much more exciting than your Yankee "Yups" and
"Nopes". I want to share some wisdom with you.
Language is not only the vehicle of thought, it is a
great and efficient instrument in thinking.
Well knock me down and steal muh teeth
This'll jar your preserves
Cute as a sack full of puppies
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit
I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style
If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it
Gooder than grits
It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs
It's been hotter than a goat's butt in a pepper patch
Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot"
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off"
When something is bad then you say "that ain't no count"
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats"
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor"
She's uglier than homemade soap
Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'
He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down
The wheel's still turning, but the hamster's dead
I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit
Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits
many years of living and farming in Beartown, I want to
share some wisdom about much of the misplaced energy
which I see being spent on nonproductive recreation.
Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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