AUGUST 1, 2001

LETTER FROM GATORTOWN Miss.

Dear Beartowntonians,

I shore miss Beartown and all you fine folks. It is hot here and I don't have to cut wood all year. The language here is much more exciting than your Yankee "Yups" and "Nopes". I want to share some wisdom with you. Language is not only the vehicle of thought, it is a great and efficient instrument in thinking.
Thinking cannot be clear till it has had expression. We must write, or speak, or act our thoughts, or they will remain in a half torpid form. Our feelings must have expression, or they will be as clouds, which, till they desend in rain, will never bring up fruit or flower. So it is with all the inward feelings; expression gives them development. Thought is the blossom; language the opening bud; action the fruit behind it.
Here are some miracles of language from Gatortown for ya all to enjoy and utilize to spice up the Beartown vocabulary.

Well knock me down and steal muh teeth

This'll jar your preserves

Cute as a sack full of puppies

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit

I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style

If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it

Gooder than grits

It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs

It's been hotter than a goat's butt in a pepper patch

Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot"

A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off"

When something is bad then you say "that ain't no count"

If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats"

A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor"

She's uglier than homemade soap

Your momma's so fat, when she got on the scales to be weighed, it said 'To be continued'

He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down

The wheel's still turning, but the hamster's dead

I'm just about as welcome at my inlaws as a hair in a biscuit

Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits

George "Goober" Barnes
6286357 Swamp Rud
Gatortown, Miss

RECREATION

Residents Beware,

During my many years of living and farming in Beartown, I want to share some wisdom about much of the misplaced energy which I see being spent on nonproductive recreation.
Recreation is intended to the mind as whetting is to the scythe, to sharpen the edge of it, which otherwise would grow dull and blunt. He, therefore, that spends his whole time in recreation is ever whetting, never mowing; his grass may grow and his steed starve. As, contrarily, he that always toils and never recreates, is ever mowing, never whetting; laboring much to little purpose; as good no scythe as no edge.
Beware of golf, jogging, tennis, bridge, and bingo.

Farmer Brown
1 Brown Trail
Beartown

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