was written recently by an ordinary Maineiac [a resident of the
People's Republic of
Maine]. While satirical in nature, all satire must have a basis in
fact to be effective. This is an excellent piece by a person who does
not write for a living.
speech George W. Bush might give:
Normally, I start these things out by saying 'My Fellow
Americans.' Not doing it this time. If the polls are any
indication, I don't know who more than half of you are
anymore. I do know something terrible has happened, and that
you're really not fellow Americans any longer.
I'll cut right to the chase here: I quit. Now before anyone
gets all in a lather about me quitting to avoid impeachment,
or to avoid prosecution or something, let me assure you:
There's been no breaking of laws or impeachable offenses in
The reason I'm quitting is simple. I'm fed up with
you people. I'm fed up because you have no
understanding of what's really going on in the
world. Or of what's going on in this once-great
nation of ours. And the majority of you are too
damned lazy to do your homework and figure it out.
Let's start local. You've been sold a bill of
goods by politicians and the news media. Polls
show that the majority of you think the economy is
in the tank. And that's despite record numbers of
homeowners, including record numbers of MINORITY
homeowners. And while we're mentioning minorities,
I'll point out that minority business ownership is
at an all-time high. Our unemployment rate is as
low as it ever was during the
administration. I've mentioned all those things
before, but it doesn't seem to have sunk in.
Despite the shock to our economy of 9/11, the
stock market has rebounded to record levels and
more Americans than ever are participating in
these markets. Meanwhile, all you can do is whine
about gas prices, and most of you are too damn
stupid to realize that gas prices are high because
there's increased demand in other parts of the
world, and because a small handful of noisy idiots
are more worried about polar bears and beachfront
property than your economic security.
We face real threats in the world. Don't give me
this 'blood for oil' thing. If I were trading
blood for oil I would've already seized
Iraq's oil fields and let the rest of the country
go to hell. And don't give me this 'Bush Lied;
People Died' crap either. If I were the liar you
morons take me for, I could've easily had chemical
weapons planted in
so they could be 'discovered.' Instead, I owned up
to the fact that the intelligence was faulty.
Let me remind you that the rest of the world
thought Saddam had the goods, same as me. Let me
also remind you that regime change in
policy before I came into office. Some guy named
'Clinton' established that policy. Bet you didn't
know that, did you? Now some of you morons are
considering another and more evil
for president !!!! Go figure that one!! She wants
to take your kids away and let the 'Whole
Village' raise them! i.e.
governmental indoctrination .. Look this one up
you dumb asses!
The rest of you morons want to be led by a junior
senator with no understanding of foreign policy or
economics, and this nitwit says we should attack
Pakistan, a nuclear ally. And then he wants to go
and make peace with a terrorist who says he's
going to destroy us. While he's doing that, he
wants to give Iraq to al Qaeda, Afghanistan to the
Taliban, Israel to the Palestinians, and your
money to the IRS so the government can give
welfare to illegal aliens, who he will make into
citizens, so they can vote to reelect him. He
also thinks it's okay for
to have nuclear weapons, and we should stop our
foreign aid to
Israel. Did you sleep through high school?
You idiots need to understand that we face a
unique enemy. Back during the cold war, there were
two major competing political and economic models
squaring off. We won that war, but we did so
because fundamentally, the Communists wanted to
survive, just as we do. We were simply able to out
spend and out-tech them.
That's not the case this time. The soldiers of our
new enemy don't care if they survive. In fact,
they want to die. That'd be fine, as long as they
weren't also committed to taking as many of you
with them as they can. But they are. They want to
kill you, and the bastards are all over the globe.
You should be grateful that they haven't gotten
any more of us here in the
since September 11. But you're not. That's because
you've got no idea how hard a small number of
intelligence, military, law enforcement, and
homeland security people have worked to make sure
of that. When this whole mess started, I warned
you that this would be a long and difficult fight.
I'm disappointed how many of you people think a
long and difficult fight amounts to a single
season of 'Survivor.'
Instead, you've grown impatient. You're incapable
of seeing things through the long lens of history,
the way our enemies do. You think that wars should
last a few months, a few years, tops.
Making matters worse, you actively support those
who help the enemy. Every time you buy the New
York Times, every time you send a donation to a
cut-and-run Democrat's political campaign, well,
dang it, you might just as well FedEx a grenade
launcher to a Jihadist. It amounts to the same
In this day and age, it's easy enough to find the
truth. It's all over the Internet. It just isn't
on the pages of the New York
Today, or on NBC News. But even if it were, I
doubt you'd be any smarter. Most of you would
rather watch American Idol or Dancing with Stars.
I could say more about your expectations that the
government will always be there to bail you out,
even if you're too stupid to leave a city that's
below sea level and has a hurricane approaching.
I could say more about your insane belief that
government, not your own wallet, is where the
money comes from. But I've come to the conclusion
that were I to do so, it would sail right over
So I quit. I'm going back to Crawford. I've got an
energy-efficient house down there (Al Gore could
only dream) and the capability to be fully
self-sufficient for years. No one ever heard of
Crawford before I got elected, and as soon as I'm
done here pretty much no one will ever hear of it
again. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to die of old
age before the last pillars of
Oh, and by the way, Cheney's quitting
That means Pelosi is your new President.
You asked for it.
Watch what she does carefully, because I
still have a glimmer of hope that there
are just enough of you remaining who are
smart enough to turn this thing around
So that's it. God bless what's left of
Some of you know what I mean. The rest
PS - You might want to start learning Farsi, and
buy a Koran.