Bear News

Beartown News

JUNE 1, 2006

LETTERS

BEARTOWN  DEPARTMENT  STORE
 

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever  shopping  with us unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras.
MEMO
Re: Mr. Bill Fenton - Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse is shopping:
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of
condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of chocolate syrup on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.
6. September 14: Moved a
'CAUTION WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows and blankets
from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks “Why can't you people just leave me alone?
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows what aisle the antidepressants are located in.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his
"Madonna look" using different size funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled
“PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams
"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"
15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly,
"There is no toilet paper in here!"
Consider this your one and only warning!

Bruin DeBear, Manager
Beartown Department Store


Email: dernc@sover.net


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