LETTERS
NEW ELEMENT
DISCOVERED
Beartown Agricultual and Technical College
has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to
science. This new element has been tentatively named
"Administratium."
Administratium has 1 neutron, 12
assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy
neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together by particles called morons, which
are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called
peons.
Since Administratium has no electrons, it
is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with
which it comes into contact. A minute amount of
Administratium causes one reaction to take
more than 4 weeks to complete when it would normally take less than a
second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of
3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization, in
which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons and
assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Administratium's mass will
actually increase over time, since each reorganization causes some
morons to become neutrons forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
speculate that Administratium is formed
whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as
"Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it...
Dr. Americanus DeBear, PHD
Science Department Chairman
Beartown A & T College |
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SURVIVOR II
REJECTION LETTER
Dear "Survivor III" Applicant,
Imagine yourself taking part in
a heart-pounding, muscle-bending,
sanity-snapping adventure, your blood banging through
your veins as you swoosh through raging bogs and soar
above lush tundras, grappling with a group of stiff-nippled
adversaries for a goblet slopping over with financially
swollen adoration!
Now imagine yourself watching it at home with
commercials for Target and Doritos, because we have
evaluated your application for "Survivor III" and have
determined that you do not meet our needs at this time.
Rest assured this was not an easy decision. We received
applications from every citizen of the United States,
and from that pool of two hundred eighty-three million,
we had to pare it down to sixteen. Most applicants were
not physically or mentally prepared for the program: The
as-yet-undisclosed location of "Survivor III" can only
be described as "cruel," "harsh," or "exceedingly
cruel." Here are some other tantalizing words relating
to "Survivor III": "blunt
trauma," "sucking chest wounds," "plankton," "a murderer
who may murder you."
As you can see, our standards are quite high. They must
be, because "Friends" has been so funny lately that we
are battling for our ratings lives. Did you see the
episode where Monica put the free cookies outside her
apartment, then when she stopped doing it, all her
neighbors got REALLY angry? We have to compete with
that. Needless to say, we must create an unstoppable
entertainment juggernaut that will crush the scripted
half-hour format into a noisome slick.
We are unlikely to accomplish this goal with you as a
contestant. Though your
faults are legion, your application was rejected
primarily because you indicated that:
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You would never place any of the following in your
mouth: fire, agitated chinchillas, Jeff Probst. |
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You are neither physically striking nor morally
hideous. |
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You are unwilling to live in an active volcano, an
open grave, on a steel spike, or in Texas. |
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You would not eat an infant. |
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You would not eat the cast of "Friends." |
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You are a lawyer. |
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You find vomiting distasteful and/or are
unable/unwilling to vomit on command. |
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You would not bathe in pus, sewage, or acid. |
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You would not have sex with another castaway. |
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You would not have sex with the creator of this
application, who is
ineligible for "Survivor III" but who nonetheless
puts in a lot of hours on the show and deserves
some special compensation. |
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You would not even consider dating the creator of
this application, even though this person is
good-hearted and you have a history of dating
creeps. |
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Again, thank you for applying.
Your tissue samples
will be kept on file for one year, long enough for you
to use them in your applications for "Survivor IV,"
"Survivor V," "Survivor VI," "Survivor VII," and
"Survivor VIII." Please be advised that for "Survivor
VIII" you will be required to submit twelve quarts of
your own bone marrow,
so start scooping and freezing now!
Sincerely,
The "Wedonwancha" Tribe
Official Rejection Committee of "Survivor III" |
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