Bear News Beartown News

JUNE 1, 2001


April 15, 2001

Internal Revenue Service
Central Processing Center
Andover, Mass.

Dear Taxmen/women:

Enclosed is my tax return and payment. Please take note of the attached article from the February 8, 2001 USA Today newspaper which serves as my Year 2000 Tax Guide.

In the article, you will see that the Pentagon pays $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. Might I suggest you send the above mentioned fund a 1.5 inch screw. (See attached article... HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips head screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

B. Smith

HINTS on HOW to MESS with the IRS
Contributed by: B. Smith

Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a row down the entire right side. The extractors who remove the mail have to take out any staples in the right side.
Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork, and restaple it (on the left side).
Line the bottom of your envelope with glue when you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.
If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.
On top of paying with a three party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out a few nasty forms
Write a letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on.
Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. A piece of plastic grocery bag or a piece of metal with prickpunched letters are good choices.
If you send 2 checks they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.
Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.
Sign your name in ink on every page. All signatures have to be verified and then date stamped.
When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

NOTE: These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are only recommended when you owe money.


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