My fellow Americans,
As your future president I want to thank voters of all
political stripes
for their mindless support, despite my complete lack of any
legislative achievement, my pastor's ties with Louis
Farrakhan and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi, and my
blatantly liberal voting record while I present myself as
some sort of bipartisan agent of change.
I also like how my supporters claim my youthful drug use and
criminal
behavior somehow qualifies me for the presidency after 8
years of claiming Bush's youthful drinking disqualifies him.
Your hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over a sea of
political chicanery.
I would also like to thank the Kennedys for coming out in
support of
me. There's a lot of glamour behind the Kennedy name, even
though JFK started the Vietnam War, his brother Robert
illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King Jr., they both slept
with Marilyn, and Teddy's negligence caused the death of a
young girl. I'm not going anywhere near the Kennedy cousins,
especially Michael Skakel.
And I'd like to thank Oprah Winfrey for her support. Her
love of meaningless empty platitudes will be the force that
propels me to the White House.
Americans should
vote
for me, not because of my lack of experience or achievement,
but because I make people feel good. White people who vote
for me get some relief from their racist guilt. I say things
that sound meaningful but don't really mean anything because
Americans are tired of things having meaning. If things have
meaning, then that means you have to think. Americans are
tired of thinking. It's time to shut down the brain and open
up the heart.
So when you go to
vote
in the primaries, remember don't think, just
do. And do it for me.
Thanking you in advance,
Barack?
