Bear News

Beartown News

MAY 1, 2005



Being The Mayor Of Beartown Isn't All I Thought It Would Be!!!
When I found out that I had been unanimously elected mayor of Beartown, I thought I'd won a front-row seat to the gook-off parade. I imagined days filled with ribbon-cutting ceremonies and nights of gala balls. A year later, I wonder if I could've been any more na´ve. Sure, I was ignorant of the duties involved in running a municipality, but I really thought being the mayor of Beartown would be easier.
I believe it was after I attended my third meeting about putting a yield sign on the corner of Beech Boulevard and River Street that I said, "Note to self: City government isn't all laughs and giggles." Since then, I've come to learn that being a public servant is both an honor and a curse. It's not as easy as being King Of Everyone. I have a lot of people's welfare to consider. After all, it's not like I'm not the "star" of The Bruin DeBear Show.
I've learned that being a good mayor requires leaving my feelings at the Welcome To Beartown sign. It would be a different story if Beartown were "population: me." Far from it. I am Beartown's mayor, and it is my duty as such to look out for everyone-from the young professionals of Snob Hill to the disenfranchised, working-class folks living on Poor Schmuck Lane.
Granted, my job would be easier if I weren't living in the shadow of former mayor Mr. Hot Shot. Now retired, Mr. Hot Shot single-handedly took this small, unincorporated cow-farming community and turned it into what it is today. While many thought Mr. Hot Shot would ride his fame and reputation into a bid for governor of the neighboring state of Jerkachusetts, he chose not to challenge Gov. Heywood Jablowmi. My next-door neighbor, Dr. Genius over there, tells me not to think so much about Mr. Hot Shot's accomplishments, but it's hard. I can't even get a glass of Cheap Bear Ale at Skinky's Tavern without someone chewing my ear off about how the old mayor's shit smells like roses.
While experience has certainly tempered my enthusiasm, I'm still confident that I can make Beartown a better place. I love this town. Aside from the four years I spent getting a degree in wankology at Loser University (Go Loser U Wolverines!), I've lived in Beartown my whole life. I know everything there is to know about this town, from the best place to eat (Chez Le Expensive) to the best way to view the Beartown skyline (through your car's rearview mirror). There's so much to do here-from shopping at the Scam-a-lot Shopping Center to lounging on the sandy shores of Cruddy Lake-that I couldn't hate it if I tried.
The people of Beartown have a lot to be proud of. After all, the Clue Phone was invented right here in our humble little burg. I guess I have to admit that, deep down, I love this job, and there's no way I'd trade it for a one-way ticket to Happyville.

Bruin DeBear

PS: Sometimes I have to just let myself go!!!



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