Bear News

Beartown News

MAY 1, 2004


Gimme a GOOD Newspaper

Dear staff of Beartown News,

I'm sending $1.00 to the staff of Beartown News.  Divide it up any way you wish.
Now for the
$1 I'm sending I want you to deliver next month an online newspaper that will contain more reading matter than the current best selling novel
I want all the news.  And I want every bit of it to be fresh.  I want pictures of all local accidents, fires, meetings, and events that I'm interested in: and I don't want to see any that offend me, either.  I expect you to tell me who dies, who was born, who was divorced and who was married during the last month, including the last 24 hours.
I want to know what those guys in government are doing with my tax money, I want to understand all of the important events, plans and results, but I don't want to have to waste more than a couple of minutes on your story.
I want to read just as much about Liberals and New Democrats as the Conservative and Reform party.  Don't tell me you can't do it.  That's what I invested the $1 for.  The only reason you won't do it is because you don't have any competition.  Who would try to compete with a FREE PAPER?
I want all the supermarket prices, a list of people with used cars for sale, the movie and TV schedules, and the closing stock market prices.  I don't want you to print my name in the paper, and I have a friend who is in trouble too, so you can leave that out, also.
Another ting, I'm sick and tired of misspelled words in yer paper.  For $1 you otter do better.
Anon Y. Muss

Teacher's  Job  Description

Beartown School Board,

Let me see if I understand what is expected of me. 
You want me to go into that room with all those kids, and fill their every moment with a love for learning. And I'm supposed to instill a sense of pride in their ethnicity, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse and even censor their t-shirt messages and dress habits. You want me to wage a war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons of mass destruction, and raise their self esteem.  You want me to teach them patriotism, good citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, and how to apply for a job.  I am to check their heads for lice, maintain a safe environment, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, offer advice, write letters of recommendation for student employment and scholarships, encourage respect for the cultural diversity of others, and make sure that I give the girls in my class fifty percent of my attention.  My contact requires me to work on my own time after school, evenings and weekends grading papers.  Also, I must spend my summer vacation, at my own expense, working toward advance certification and a Masters degree.  And on my own time you want me to attend committee and faculty meetings, PTA meetings, and participate in staff development training.  I am to be a paragon of virtue, larger than life, such that my very presence will awe my students into being obedient and respectful of authority.  You want me to incorporate technology into the learning experience, monitor web sites, and relate personally with each student.  That includes deciding who might be potentially dangerous and/or liable to commit a crime in school.  I am to make all students pass the mandatory state exams, even those who don't come to school regularly or complete any of their assignments.  Plus, I am to make sure that all students with handicaps get an equal education regardless of the extent of their mental or physical handicap.  And I am to communicate regularly with the parents by letter, email, telephone, newsletter, and report card.  All of this I am to do with just a piece of chalk, a computer, a few books, a bulletin board, a big smile AND on a starting salary that qualifies my family for food stamps!  You want me to do all of this and yet you expect me NOT TO PRAY???????

An eager teaching prospect



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