APRIL 1, 2006
BEARTOWNERS: This is FYI
I swear an
oath on my honor as a hypocrite that...
I will cuss cows but eat beef, blast miners but wear jewelry and
drive a car but condemn oil companies.
I don't want trees cut for any purpose
other than to provide the lumber for my next house.
As a Hollywood celebrity I assert my God
given right to sire at least four children by three different
wives and then protest about overpopulation in the world.
I will put fish first by saving the sucker
and salmon, but not the farmers and ranchers who feed me.
I demand that politicians and federal
judges in Washington DC save all endangered species, except the
small business man.
I feel government is imminently qualified
to micro-manage nature, after all, look what a smashing job
they've done with the IRS, EPA, USDA, FBI, BLM, and assorted
other alphabet agencies.
As a self righteous hypocrite it is my
duty to celebrate Earth Day with barbecues and parades and by
leaving tons of trash behind.
I demand that feedlots and farms stop
polluting our ground water. That privilege should be preserved
for me every time I flush the contents of my toilet into a
septic tank or the ocean.
I want to relocate grizzly bears and
wolves to the West but not in my big city backyard. After all,
people live here! I give my permission for mountains lions to
eat lambs but if a lion eats my dog or cat I demand the
abominable beast be shot on sight.
I will cuss oil companies on talk radio and stand in the way of
their drilling more wells while sitting in my gas guzzling SUV
with the engine running.
I will write letters to the editor on my
computer castigating utility companies for not providing enough
electricity. At the same time I will send money to green groups
who want to tear down hydroelectric dams and stand in the way of
any new power producing projects.
I avow at the next cocktail party I attend
while smoking a cigarette and sipping a martini that I will sue
the tobacco companies for causing my lung cancer.
Although I have never personally milked a
cow or grown vegetables in a garden I demand to have a say on
how farmers and ranchers do it.
As a pompous hypocrite I demand that water, herbicides, and
pesticides be taken away from farmers immediately, but I don't
want it to effect the price, quantity or quality of the food I
buy in the store.
It is my strongly held conviction that we
should ban all pesticides, except the can of bug spray I use to
kill ants and other unwanted bugs in my home.
As a mealy-mouthed hypocrite I vow to help
stop global warming by watching the Discovery Channel on my
giant sized television in my air conditioned house.
I assert that cattle pooping on our
nation's grasslands is a national disgrace while fertilizing my
urban lawn with steer manure and urea is simply good ecology. I
will complain about fertilizer runoff from farms but not from
golf courses because I happen to be a golfer.
I will hound hunters in the woods because
they use guns despite the fact that hunting groups have
increased habitat and wildlife numbers.
I demand that the government end all
timber cutting or recovery in our national forests but I'll cry
like a singed coyote if the feds allow wildfires to burn near my
As a card carrying hypocrite I disavow the
use of fur, leather, wool and all animal by-products, except the
ones used in medicine that might save my life.
I demand labels be placed on all food
products but not on a rock album that endorses killing cops.
Finally, as an arrogant and self-serving
hypocrite I firmly believe that rural folks have done a terrible
job of taking care of the countryside and they must do a better
job because that's where I want to live or visit some day when I
can escape the pollution, crime, and insanity of the barren big
city in which I currently reside.
Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All
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