THE LARK PROGRAM
A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the
treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Attached is
a copy of a letter they received back:
The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. ,20016
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment
of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at
Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion
was heard loud and clear here in Washington. You'll be pleased to
learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are
creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers"
for short. In accordance with the guidelines of this new program,
we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for
transportation, under heavily armed guard, to your residence next
Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed)
is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded
in your letter of admonishment.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant
caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so
strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that
your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem"
will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere
cultural differences. He will bite you, given the chance. We
understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand
combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a
pencil or nail clippers. We do not suggest that you ask him to
demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group. He is also expert
at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household
products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in
your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been
known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply
with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more
appropriate attire. I'm sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity
offered by the bhurka - over time. Just remind them that it is all
part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't
that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks
like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do
our job. You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be
watching. Good luck!
God loves everybody but He never met
Age 8, Nashville
say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy
all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Age 9, Phoenix
should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about
I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't
give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon
about a raise in my allowance?
Age 10, New Haven
is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every
week even if she has a cold.
Age 9, Albany
like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't
Age 8, Chicago
I think a
lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to
Age 9, Tacoma
your sermon where you said that good health is more
important then money but I still want a raise in my
Age 12, Sarasota
pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California
Age 10, New York City
I hope to
go to heaven some day but later than sooner.
say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help
or a new pitcher.
Age 10, Raleigh
My father says
I should learn the Ten Command- ments. But I don't think I
want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Age 10, South Pasadena
any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
Age 10, Salina
your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Age 11, Akron
God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell
Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?
Age 9, Lewiston