Bear News

Beartown News

MARCH 1, 2005



A person wrote a letter to the White House complaining about the treatment of a captive taken during the Afghanistan war. Attached is a copy of a letter they received back:
The White House 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, D.C. ,20016
Dear Concerned Citizen:
Thank you for your recent letter roundly criticizing our treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda detainees currently being held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
Our administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard loud and clear here in Washington.  You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like you, we are creating a new division of the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short.  In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place one terrorist under your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation, under heavily armed guard, to your residence next Monday.  Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of admonishment.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.  We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.  He will bite you, given the chance.  We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.  Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.  We do not suggest that you ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.  He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.  This is a particularly sensitive subject for him, and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that Ahmed will recommend as more appropriate attire.  I'm sure they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the bhurka - over time.  Just remind them that it is all part of "respecting his culture and his religious beliefs" - wasn't that how you put it?
Thanks again for your letter.  We truly appreciate it when folks like you, who know so much, keep us informed of the proper way to do our job.  You take good care of Ahmed - and remember...we'll be watching.  Good luck!
Cordially...Your Buddy,
Don Rumsfeld



I know God loves everybody but He never met

my sister.
Yours sincerely,

Age 8, Nashville

Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.

Age 9, Phoenix

My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.

Age 11, Anderson
I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?

Age 10, New Haven

My mother is very religious. She goes to play bingo at church every week even if she has a cold.
Yours truly,

Age 9, Albany

I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.

Age 8, Chicago

I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.

Age 9, Tacoma

I liked your sermon where you said that good health is more important then money but I still want a raise in my allowance.

Age 12, Sarasota

Please pray for all the airline pilots. I am flying to California tomorrow.

Age 10, New York City

I hope to go to heaven some day but later than sooner.

Age 9, Athens
Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher.
Thank you.

Age 10, Raleigh

My father says I should learn the Ten Command- ments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.

Age 10, South Pasadena

Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.

Age 10, Salina

I like your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.

Age 11, Akron

How does God know the good people from the bad people? Do you tell Him or does He read about it in the newspapers?

Age 9, Lewiston



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