Bear News

Beartown News

MARCH 1, 2004


Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I am a huge fan of yours.  My friend, you always seem to be there when needed.  The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you are even around during the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm me when I am stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.  Yet, lately I have been wondering about your intentions.  While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for your review.

  Phone Calls:  While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after 2:00 a.m.  Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact that they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone at all hours of the night?

  Eating:  You know I love a good meal.  However, why do you suggest that I eat a kabob with chili sauce, along with a big Italian hoagie and stale chips, all washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat after a few cheese curls and chili cheese fries?  Eclectic eater that I am, I think you went too far this time.

 Clumsiness:  Unless you are subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see no need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down.  It is completely unnecessary.  The black and blue bruises that mysteriously appear on my body the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the door key into the lock.

  Pictures:  This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below.  However, the following costumes are banned from ever being placed on my head in public again:  wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, balloon animals, traffic cones, and underwear. Also, what is with you making me take pictures with people that I clearly do not like when I am sober?  Yet they suddenly become my best friend when a camera is presented?

  Beer Goggles:  If I think that I may know her from somewhere, I most likely do not.  Please do not request that I go over and see if, in fact, I do actually know this person.  The phrase, "Let's Do It!" is illegal from now on.  While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in public. Please stop me from talking to the girl with the crooked teeth, acned-up face, bad breath, beer belly, etc.  Why are they so appealing to me while I am with you and why are they so disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off?

  Hangovers:  They have to stop.  This is getting ridiculous.  I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3:00 p.m. hangover immobility is completely unacceptable.  My entire day is shot.  I ask that if the proper precautions are taken, i.e. water, vitamin B, bread products, and aspirin, prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday activities. Or any day of the week, for that matter.

I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would like to ensure that we remain on good terms.  You have been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.  In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address then immediately.  I look forward to your answer no later than Thursday 3:00 p.m., pre-happy hour, regarding your solutions. Hopefully, we can continue this partnership.

Thank you again,
One of your biggest fans.




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