Note: Please  take time to read this  slowly.

If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the Third  judge is even better. 

It takes up a  major portion of a parking lot at the San  Antonio City  Park . 

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster  named Frank, who was visiting from Beartown ,  VT .

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at  a chili  cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the  last moment and  I happened to be standing there at the judge's  table asking for  directions to the Coors Light truck, when the  call came  in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native  Texans) that  since there would be a public tasting after the  contest, the  chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told  me I could have  free beer during the tasting, so I  accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing  kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor.  Very  mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy sh*t, what the hell is this  stuff? You could  remove dried paint from your driveway with  this. Took me  two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that's  the worst one.  These Texans are crazy.

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork.  Slight jalapeno  tang.

Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to  be taken  seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm  not sure what  I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to  wave off two  people who wanted to give me the Heimlich  maneuver. They  had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on  my face.

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili.  Great  kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of  peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA.  I've located a uranium spill.   My nose feels  like I have been snorting Drano.  Everyone knows  the routine by  now.
Get me more beer before I ignite.   Barmaid pounded  me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part  of my  chest.  I'm getting really drunk from all of the  beer.

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no  spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side  dish for fish or  other mild foods, not much of a  chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,  but was unable  to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste  buds?

Sally, the  beer maid, was standing behind me with  fresh refills.  That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just  like this  nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers  freshly ground,  Adding considerable kick.  Very  impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more  tomato. Must  admit the cayenne peppers make a strong  statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off  my forehead and  I can no longer focus my eyes.  I f**ted and  four people  behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant  seemed offended  when I told her that her chili had given me  brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring  beer directly on  it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning  my lips  off.  It really pisses me off that the other judges  asked me to stop  screaming.  Screw those Texans.

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.   Good balance of  spices and  peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers,  onions, and  garlic.   Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled  with gaseous,  sulfuric flames.  I sh*t on myself when I f**ted  and I'm worried  it will eat through the chair.  No one  seems inclined  to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can't feel  my lips  anymore.  I need to wipe my butt with a snow  cone.

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on  canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in  a can of chili  peppers at the last moment. 

**I should take  note that I am  worried about Judge # 3.  He appears to be in a  bit of distress  as he is cursing  uncontrollably.**

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the  pin, and I  wouldn't feel a thing. 

 I've lost sight in one eye,  and the world  sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt  is covered with  chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.   My pants are  full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during  the autopsy,  they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to  stop breathing  it's too painful.  Screw it; I'm not getting  any oxygen  anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through  the 4-inch hole  in my  stomach.

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend  chili. Not too  bold but spicy enough to declare its  existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced  chili. Neither  mild nor hot. 

Sorry to see that most of it was  lost when Judge  #3 f**ted, passed out, fell over and pulled  the chili pot  down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going  to make  it.  Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report