take time to read this slowly.
If you pay
attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the Third judge is even better.
For those of you
who have lived in
, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about
the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a
major portion of a parking lot at the
San Antonio City Park .
Judge #3 was an
inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who
was visiting from Beartown
, VT .
"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
judge at a chili cook-off. The original
person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking for directions to the
Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I
was assured by the other two judges (Native
Texans) that since there would be a public
tasting after the contest, the chili
wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
# 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A
little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
Judge # 2 -- Nice,
smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank)
-- Holy sh*t, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your
driveway with this. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. I hope that's the
worst one. These Texans are crazy.
# 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky,
with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 --
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
Judge # 3 -- Keep
this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides
pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
# 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 --
Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit
salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call
the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid
pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in
the front part of my chest. I'm
getting really drunk from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black
bean chili with almost no spice.
Judge # 2 -- Hint
of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
Judge # 3 -- I felt
something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn
out taste buds?
Sally, the beer
maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to
look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty,
strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, Adding considerable kick. Very
Judge # 2 -- Chili
using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
Judge # 3 -- My
ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I f**ted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from
the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those Texans.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin
yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The
best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3
-- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I sh*t
on myself when I f**ted and I'm worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that
Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need
to wipe my butt with a snow cone.
7 - SUSAN'S
Judge # 1 -- A
mediocre chili with too much reliance on
Judge # 2 -- Ho
hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take
note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
Judge # 3 -- You
could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.
I've lost sight
in one eye, and the world sounds like it is
made of rushing water. My shirt is covered
with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my
mouth. My pants are full of lava to match
my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it;
I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The
perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
Judge # 2 -- This
final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see
that most of it was lost when Judge #3 f**ted,
passed out, fell over and pulled the chili
pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot chili?