LETTERS
LETTER of the YEAR
Dear
Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my
check with which I endeavored to pay my
plumber last month.
By my
calculations,
three
'nanoseconds'
must have elapsed between his presenting
the check and
the
arrival in my account of the funds needed
to honor it.
I
refer,
of course,
to the
automatic monthly deposit of my Pension,
an arrangement which,
I admit,
has been in place for only
twenty-eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing
that brief window of opportunity,
and also for debiting my account
$57.83 by way of penalty for the
inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the
manner in which this incident has caused
me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I
noticed that whereas I personally attend
to your telephone calls and letters,
when I try to contact you,
I am confronted by the impersonal,
overcharging,
pre-recorded,
faceless entity which your bank has
become.
From now on I,
like you,
choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person.
My
mortgage and loan payments will therefore
and hereafter no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank by check,
addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your bank
who you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the
Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope.
Please
find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen
employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages,
but in order that I know as much about him
or her as your bank knows
about
me,
there is no alternative.
Please
note that all copies of his or her medical
history must be countersigned by a
Solicitor,
and the
mandatory details of his/her
financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be
accompanied by documented proof.
In due course,
I will issue your employee with a PIN
number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me.
I
regret that it cannot be shorter than 28
digits but, again,
I have modeled it on the number of
button
presses required of me to access my
account balance on your 'phone bank
service'.
As
they say, imitation is the sincerest form
of flattery.
Let me
level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as
follows:
1--
To make an appointment to see me.
2--
To query a missing payment.
3--
To transfer the call to my living room in
case I am there.
4-- To
transfer the call to my bedroom in case I
am sleeping.
5--
To transfer the call to my toilet in case
I am attending to nature.
6--
To transfer the call to my mobile phone
if I am not at home...
7-- To leave a
message on my computer
(a password to access my computer
is required. A password will be
communicated, at a later date, to the
Authorized Contact.)
8-- To
return to the main menu and to listen to
options 1 through 8.
9-- To
make a general complaint or inquiry.
The
contact will then be put on hold,
pending the attention of my
automated answering service.
While
this may,
on occasion,
involve a lengthy wait,
uplifting music will play for the
duration of the call.
Regrettably,
but again following your example,
I must also levy an establishment
fee to cover the setting up of this new
arrangement.
May I wish you a happy,
if ever so slightly less prosperous,
New Year.
Your Humble 88 year old Client
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