The flood of American liberals sneaking across
the border into Canada
has intensified recently, sparking calls for increased
patrols
to stop the illegal immigration.
The actions of President Bush
are prompting the exodus among
left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required
to hunt, pray,
and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see
dozens of
sociology professors, animal- rights activists and
Unitarians crossing their
fields at night.
"I went out to milk the cows the
other day, and there was a Hollywood
producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba
farmer Red Greenfield,
whose acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was
cold, exhausted
and hungry. "He asked me if I
could spare a latte and some free-range
chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left.
Didn't even get a chance to
show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield
erected higher
fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried
installing speakers
that blare Rush Limbaugh
across the fields. "Not real
effective," he
said. "The liberals still got
through, and Rush annoyed the cows so
much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who
meet liberals
near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station
wagons, drive
them across the border and leave them to fend for
themselves.
"A lot of these people are not
prepared for rugged conditions," an
Ontario border patrolman said. "I
found one carload without a drop of
drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley
cabernet,
though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the
border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from
conservatives. Rumors
have been circulating about the
Bush administration establishing
re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to
drink domestic
beer and watch NASCAR
races.
In recent days, liberals have turned to
sometimes-ingenious ways of
crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior
citizens on
bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs.
After catching a
half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs,
Canadian
immigration authorities began stopping buses and
quizzing the supposed
senior-citizen passengers on Perry
Como and Rosemary Clooney
hits to
prove they were alive in the '50s.
"If they can't identify the
accordion player on The Lawrence Welk
Show, we get suspicious about their age," an
official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal
immigrants are
creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all
the good Susan
Sarandon movies.
''I feel sorry for American
liberals, but the Canadian economy just
can't support them," an Ottawa resident said.
"How many art-history majors
does one country need?
MIGUEL ALVAREZ |
