My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year...
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me
the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have
to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I
now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave
it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital
for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all but that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and
AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail
Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria
who wants me to split $7 million with him for pretending to be a long
lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I
have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena
has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my
prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends
and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink
Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy fuel without taking a
man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back
seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer go to shopping malls because
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because
someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone
bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet
but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the
seat to cause me instant death when it bites my ass.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't
even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car parking
garage because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least
144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea
will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from
12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.
I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of
my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's
By the way...a South American scientist
after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who
have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their
hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!
Wishing you a Merry Christmas & A
Happy New Year