Bear News

Beartown News

JANUARY 1, 2005


How do you score???

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Did you have one (or 2) for me?
 It's later than you think. It was Christmas!
 3. If something came with gravy, did you use it? That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone.
Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
 4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
 6. Under no circumstances should you have exercised between Christmas and New Year's. You can do that now in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
 7. If you came across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, did you position yourself near them and didn't budge? Had as many as you can before becoming the center of attention? They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
 8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Had a slice of each? Or, if you don't like mincemeat, had two apples and one pumpkin? Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
 9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but did you avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
 10. One final tip: If you didn't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
 Reread tips; start over later this year when the Holidays come again.
 Remember this motto to live by:
 Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WHOO HOO what a ride!"
Hope you had Happy Holidays Everyone!


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