Bear News Beartown News

MAY 1, 2003

Beartown Gourmet Invents HMRE

Ima Gastronomic has recently formed the HMRE company.  These hot, ready to eat meals are sure to become popular throughout the world.  The heat source is an enhancement of the common foot or hand warmer.  The packaging for the meal contains a mixture of iron powder, activated charcoal powder, cellulose, zeolite, and moisture.  When the outer protective plastic pack is removed and the package is gently shaken, the meal's temperature will rise to 140 degrees. 
Ima hopes that military confrontations around the world will expand and is actively targeting that market.  Wives will find these meals an ideal solution for feeding husbands who come home late from work and other activities.  Cooking range manufacturers are expecting to see a 50% drop in their business.



With all of this talk of war, many of us will encounter "Peace Activists" who will try to convince us that we must refrain from retaliating against the ones who terrorized us all on September 11, 2001, and those who support terror.  These activists may be alone or in a gathering.....most of us don't know how to react to them. When you come upon one of these people, or one of  their rallies, here are the proper rules of etiquette:
  1. Listen politely while this person explains their views. Strike up a conversation if necessary and look very interested in their ideas. They will tell you how revenge is immoral, and that by attacking the people who did this to us, we will only bring on more violence. They will probably  use many arguments, ranging from political to religious to humanitarian.
  2. In the middle of their remarks, without any warning, punch them in the nose.
  3. When the person gets up off of the ground, they will be very angry and they may try to hit you, so be careful.
  4. Very quickly and calmly remind the person that violence only brings about more violence and remind them of their stand on this matter. Tell them if they are really committed to a nonviolent approach to undeserved attacks, they will turn the other cheek and negotiate a solution.  Tell them they must lead by example if they really believe what they are saying.
  5. Most of them will think for a moment and then agree that you are correct.
  6. As soon as they do that, hit them again. Only this time hit them much harder. Square in the nose.
  7. Repeat steps 2-5 until the desired results are obtained and the idiot realizes how stupid of an argument he/she is making.
  8. There is no difference in an individual attacking an unsuspecting victim or a group of terrorists attacking a nation of people. It is unacceptable and must be dealt with. Perhaps at a high cost.

We owe our military a huge debt for what they are about to do for us and our children. We must support them and our leaders at times like these.
Lesson over, class dismissed

Ever wonder what radio station the bears and humans of BEARTOWN listen to while on the internet? Why good old Country Music, of course, on none other than:
Click here for genuine real country.

The purpose of this paper is to report area news, and nothing but the news so help me God, unless I feel like doing something else, which I can do whether you like it or not because it is my paper. You can read it or not, just as you please. But remember, if you don't read an issue you don't know what your missing.


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