Bear News Beartown News

MAY 1, 2002

BEARTOWN  AIRLINES
receives National Recognition for
PASSENGER SATISFACTION

After just two years in the intensely competitive Airline Industry, Beartown Airlines has risen to the top!!!  This was achieved by honest, straight forward communications with the passengers at all times resulting in a most satisfying flying experience.  We share with you some of the innovative verbiage used by Beartown Airlines employees.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

On landing  "Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

"Thank you for flying Beartown Airlines.  We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms, a flight attendant  announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


"Welcome aboard Beartown Airlines flight 001 to Ozark Casino. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight.  It works just like every other seat belt and  if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling.  Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs.  If you are traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite."

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Beartown Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area.  Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children...or other adults acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

Pilot's welcome message: "Beartown Airlines is  pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

Heard  just after a very hard landing:  "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking.  I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on a particularly windy and bumpy day after an extremely hard landing, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Beartown. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"


After a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and he Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.  And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

"We'd like to thank you  folks for flying with us today.  And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube,  we hope  you'll  think of
Beartown Airlines."


Ever wonder what radio station the bears and humans of BEARTOWN listen to while on the internet? Why good old Country Music, of course, on none other than: www.countrybear.com
Click here for genuine real country.
MISSION

The purpose of this paper is to report area news, and nothing but the news so help me God, unless I feel like doing something else, which I can do whether you like it or not because it is my paper. You can read it or not, just as you please. But remember, if you don't read an issue you don't know what your missing.


DID SOMEBODY SAY BEARTOWN
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