receives National Recognition for
After just two years in the
intensely competitive Airline Industry, Beartown Airlines has risen to
the top!!! This was achieved by honest, straight forward
communications with the passengers at all times resulting in a most
satisfying flying experience. We share with you some of the
innovative verbiage used by Beartown Airlines employees.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing "Please be sure to take all
your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure
it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but
there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
"Thank you for flying Beartown Airlines. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you
for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms, a flight
attendant announced, "Please
take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
"Welcome aboard Beartown Airlines flight 001 to
Ozark Casino. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt and
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the
mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling
with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with more than one small child...pick your favorite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with
some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive.
Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation;
and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore
and take them with our compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks
will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own
mouth and nose before assisting children...or other adults acting like
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all
of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly
among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
Pilot's welcome message: "Beartown Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard just after a very hard landing:
"That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to
tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on a particularly windy and bumpy day
after an extremely hard landing, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Beartown. Please remain in your seats with
your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
After a less than perfect landing: "We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your
seats until Capt. Crash and he Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared
and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick
your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with
us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting
through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think
what radio station the bears and humans of BEARTOWN
listen to while on the internet? Why good old
Country Music, of course, on none other than: www.countrybear.com
here for genuine real country.
purpose of this paper is to report area news, and
nothing but the news so help me God, unless I
feel like doing something else, which I can do
whether you like it or not because it is my paper.
You can read it or not, just as you please. But
remember, if you don't read an issue you don't
know what your missing.
SOMEBODY SAY BEARTOWN
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