Bear News Beartown News

MARCH 1, 2005


Division  of the human family into two distinct political groups began some  12,000 years ago. Humans  existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on  deer in the mountains in the summer & would go to the  beach & live on fish & lobster in winter.
 The two most  important events in all of history were the invention of beer &  the  invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.  These  were the foundation of modern civilization & together were the catalyst  for  the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals & Conservatives.
 Once beer was  discovered it required grain & that was the beginning of agriculture.  Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while  our early  human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be  invented, they just  stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent  their days tracking & killing animals to B-B-Q at night while  they were  drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the  Conservative  movement".
 Other men who  were weaker & less skilled at hunting learned to live off the  conservatives  by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's & doing the sewing,  fetching &  hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
 Some of these  liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girleymen'.
 Some noteworthy  liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the  trade union, the  invention of group therapy & group hugs & the concept of  Democratic  voting to decide how to divide the meat & beer that conservatives  provided.
 Over the years  conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on  earth, the elephant.
 Liberals are  symbolized by the jackass.
 Modern liberals  like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white  wine or imported  bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu,  & French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting  revolutionary  side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels  than their men.
 Most social  workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood &  group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule  because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
 Conservatives  drink domestic beer and eat red meat & potatoes. Conservatives  are big-game  hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers,   police  officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes & generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
 Liberals produce  little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers & decide what to do  with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than  Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe  when  conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tame & created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.


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The purpose of this paper is to report area news, and nothing but the news so help me God, unless I feel like doing something else, which I can do whether you like it or not because it is my paper. You can read it or not, just as you please. But remember, if you don't read an issue you don't know what your missing.


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