Bear News Beartown News

DECEMBER 1, 2002


'Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin'
'Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba,
Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin' down his chin
Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung
by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was
a foul stench in the air.
From out in the yard
There came such a noise
That Bubba got scared
And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12;
Jim Bob was 11;
Dud goin' on 10;
Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky
Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls
So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls,
No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head,
Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack
That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns;
They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young'uns,
"Now hesh up ya'll!
The last thing we wanna do
Is wake up yer Maw."
Maw was expecting
And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door
Without making a peep.
They all looked around,
and then they all spit.
The young'uns asked Bubba,
"Paw, what is it?"
Bubba just stared;
He could not say a word.
This was just like all of
The stories he'd heard.
It was Santy Claus on the roof,
Darn tootin'
But the boys didn't know;
They was about to start shootin'!
They aimed their shotguns
and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted
in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out,
"Don't shoot, boys!"
That's Santy Claus
And he's brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin'
And a-raisin' cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted,
And called them by name.
"Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet!
Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater
and Sam and old Joe!"
"Git down from that porch!
Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer,
Or you'll make Santy fall!"
The dogs kept a-barkin'
And wouldn't shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete
Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag,
And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most,
But left a few for the boys.
From up on the roof
Santa heaved a great sigh.
Since the guns had been dropped
He just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh,
Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble
Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer
Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed,
But Bubba didn't care.
He was busy lookin'
At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him,
And he said to the boys:
"Go check on yer Maw,
Make sure she's all right.
That roof fallin' on her
Could-a hurt just a might."
But Maw was OK,
And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer;
It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba,
He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba
Was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas,
And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish
A Merry Christmas to you!


'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house;
Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse.
My .357 sat right on my lap
Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap.
The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts
To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts,
When out from the yard came a godawful noise
O could it be him with a shitload of toys?
I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain
I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain
But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door
Yelling, "Hold it right there" as I quickly got sore
"Hands in the air and kick over that sack,
And then real slowly move 20 feet back."
He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf;
I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself.

I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw
Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw.
I heard him take off - in a second he split,
Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit.
Back in my chair I let out such a yelp
That the wife and the kids came to offer their help,
Their eyes filled with wonder - I started to drag
A whole shitload of presents from Santa's big bag.
A big can of crawdads for when I go fishin'
A whopping belt buckle - a brand new transmission,
A carton of Redman, some boots and a knife,
A nice leather strap just for beating the wife.
A matched set of hubcaps, some new fuzzy dice,
A country 8-track and a Hustler, how nice!
An inflatable dollie for when the old grouch
Starts her bitching & moaning & sleeps on the couch.

When out of the bag I had pulled every bit
I said "Looks like you kids won't be getting no shit."
Here was my chance to try out my new strap
When they started their bawling and screaming and crap.
I chased them upstairs and I popped me a brew,
I sat back in my chair, filled my mouth up with chew,
With my heart full of gladness, my soul full of cheer,
I yelled up, "Maybe you'll get some presents next year!"

Ever wonder what radio station the bears and humans of BEARTOWN listen to while on the internet? Why good old Country Music, of course, on none other than:
Click here for genuine real country.

The purpose of this paper is to report area news, and nothing but the news so help me God, unless I feel like doing something else, which I can do whether you like it or not because it is my paper. You can read it or not, just as you please. But remember, if you don't read an issue you don't know what your missing.


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