When I die, I want to die like my
grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all
passengers in his car."
Advice for the
day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it
says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you
say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and
they meet at the bar."
"The problem with
the designated driver program, it's
not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
"If a woman has to choose between catching
a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the
infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
hard . It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to
leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be
severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find
you a temp."
"My Mom said she learned how to swim when
someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
"A study in the
Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I
just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
"Why does Sea World have a seafood
restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my
God....I could be eating a slow learner."
"I think that's
how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive
and all the
impersonators would be dead."
I think war is God's way of teaching us
"My parents didn't want to move to
Florida, but they
turned sixty and that's the law."
elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line
up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the
logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too
many. Monogamy is the same."
"Suppose you were
an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat
"Our bombs are smarter than the average
student. At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
"You can say any
foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
Do you know why
they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
A minister was completing a temperance
sermon. With great emphasis he said,
had all the beer in the world, I'd take it
and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said,
"And if I had all
the wine in the world, I'd take it and
pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the
said, "And if I had
all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and
announced with a smile, nearly laughing,
"For our closing
song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We
Gather at the River."
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office
wearing only underwear made of Saran
The psychiatrist says,
"Well... I can clearly see your nuts."
IS SO HOT THAT.........
The birds have to use potholders to pull
worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is
determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a
pretty good branding iron.
You discover that it only takes 2 fingers
to steer your car.
You discover you can get sunburned through
your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the
You break into a sweat the instant you
step outside at 5:30 a.m.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What
if I get knocked out and end up lying on
the pavement and cook to death?"
The potatoes cook underground, so all you
have to do is pull one out and add butter,
salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed
ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.