Bear News Beartown News




When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep.  Not screaming like all the
 passengers in his car."
             --Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."
             --Author Unknown

"Oh, you hate your job?  Why didn't you say so?  There's a support group for that.  It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
              --Drew Carey

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's
 not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
 doing it, have fun with it.  At the end of the night,
 drop them off at the wrong house."
              --Jeff Foxworthy

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base."
              --Dave Barry

"Relationships are hard .  It's like a full time job, and
 we should treat it like one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
              --Bob Ettinger

"My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat.  I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
              --Paula Poundstone

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men.  I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
              --Conan O'Brien

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant??  I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner."
              --Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started.  Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's
go west.'"
              --Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
 impersonators would be dead."
              --Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us
              --Paul Rodriguez

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they
 turned sixty and that's the law."
              --Jerry Seinfeld

"Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic in that?  What, do tall people burn slower?"
              --Warren Hutcherson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
              --Oscar Wilde

"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
              --Mark Twain

"Our bombs are smarter than the average high school
 student.  At least they can find Afghanistan."
              --A. Whitney Brown

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog
 will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right!
 I never would've thought of that!'"
              --Dave Barry

Do you know why they call it "PMS"?  Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
             --Unknown, presumed deceased


A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I
had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."


A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says,
"Well... I can clearly see your nuts."

IT IS SO HOT THAT.........

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
You discover that it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 5:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.



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