Bear News Beartown News

SEPTEMBER 1, 2003

HUMOR


CAR  VANDALIZED?

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. 
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radioed in. "Disregard," he said. "She got in the back seat by mistake."

ANNOYING  STUFF

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know Jerk, you pulled ME over.

When people say "Life is short." Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer?
When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one piece of paper!
When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here!
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?


WARNING

A priest and a pastor from the local churches are standing by the side of the road pounding a sign into the ground that reads:
'The End is Near! Turn yourself around now and be saved before it's too late!'
'Leave us alone you religious nuts!' yelled a driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.
The pastor turns to the priest and asks,
'Do you think the sign should just say 'Bridge Out?'
 

 

SENIOR  ROMANCE

   An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
   She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
   Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a
second and tried to get back to sleep.
   A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."
   Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a
peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
   Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck."
   Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. 
   "To get my teeth!"


FUNERAL

A woman went into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She told the director that she wanted her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asked, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?"
"No," she insisted as she handed him a check to buy a dark blue suit. "It must be blue."
When she came back for the wake, she saw her husband in the coffin, and he was wearing a beautiful blue suit. She told the director how much she loved the suit and asked how much it cost.
He said, "Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit. She said that was fine with her,
so I switched the heads."


If you lived here, you'd be home now.
 

DID SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN


Email: dernc@sover.net


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