Bear News Beartown News

AUGUST 1, 2009



In a city in Eastern Spain, there was a movie theater. The builders of the theater only built a single emergency exit door, rather than the two required by law. Sure enough there was a fire and several people were trampled to death. The moral: Don't put all your Basques in one exit.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Here where we live in New Hampshire, the little creeks roll down the mountain across our fields, making endless little rivulets. My wife spend much of the year working on the borders of these streams, working hard to keep the borders clear and clean. If there is anything she likes, it is to weed a good brook.

When the man asked for her solution,
Hangman's mom said with elocution,
"Doesn't matter, my dear,
What you choose as career.
It is all in the execution."

Current: Boarding fee at the kennel.

Two steam locomotives were heading straight towards each other on the same track. One of the trains was loaded with waistcoats (vests) and the other with loaves of fresh bread (still rising) destined for the market. They both arrived at their destinations right on schedule. How was this possible. Because, "vest is vest and yeast is yeast and never the trains shall meet."

Beware of Quantum Ducks! Quark! Quark! Quark !

If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.

What do you call a cocoon that hates parties?     A party pupa

Lemonade:  A person who takes care of lemons.

What should you do if there's a kidnapping in Texas?  Wake him up.

A friend told me he dug a hole in my backyard and filled it with water. I figured he meant well.

A will is a dead giveaway.


To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am.

Somersault: Some of these bagels are onion, SOMERSAULT.

A rare delicacy indeed is sautéed sloth. Using the middle toe of the great Australian three-toed sloth, the only edible part of the creature, the careful chef de-bones it, pounds it as with veal, and sautés it briefly over a hot flame with shallots, carrot circles, and the faintest touch of Tabasco. Prepared in this fashion, sloth is an excellent main course, not unlike alligator in texture and taste. Many people are under the false impression that sloth does not make a good meal, but this is because they've eaten it improperly prepared. It can only be sautéed, a fact unappreciated in culinary circles. Too many cooks broil the sloth.

Craigster asked Tyler, his caddie, for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.

"The first three forks, go to the left," Tom said forthrightly.

There's a baker who works with some dough
Who is asked if she's willing to show
The ingredients of
A dessert that we love.
She will tell on the grounds: knead to know.

Handkerchief: Cold Storage.

I once had a miniature parrot-like bird as a pet. I gave this dwarf critter an appropriate name that sounds very much like a seafood dish one might order for lunch. What did I call the diminutive fowl?       Shrimp Cockatiel

And now for all you Nature-Lovers out there:
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - Where do they go?  Wonder no more!!!  It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.  If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the
family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.  The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing: "Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow".    




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