Bear News Beartown News

AUGUST 1, 2007


Sag, you're it.
Hide and go pee.
20 questions shouted into your good ear.
Kick the bucket.
Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
Musical recliners.
Simon says something incoherent.
Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.

You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
You change your underwear after a sneeze.
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Getting a little action means you don't need fiber today.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!

 Thoughts for the weekend
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with  something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

 But Most Of All, Remember
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart.


I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new primary care physician for my Medicare program. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I could not resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"
He asked: "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either." "Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?" I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things. " He looked at me and said, "Then why do you even care to live?"



A month had passed, and Ken figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Ken approached the park and -- lo and behold!--there sat Larry!
Ken was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said,
"For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you?"
Larry replied,
"I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Ken.  "What in the world for?"
"Well," Larry said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Ken, "I remember her.  What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
The judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

A duck walks into a bar and says "excuse me barman can I have a beer and a sandwich please". The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly",
says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?". "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
The duck visits the pub at lunch time for a few weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town and the circus ringmaster drops in for a pint. The barman says "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvelous", says the ringmaster, "get him to drop by and see me."
So the next day when the duck arrives in the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus", says the barman. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the barman. "The circus?" the duck asks again. "Yes" says the barman. "That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires. "Yeah" the barman replies. "With all the animals?" the duck
questioned. "Of course" the barman replies. "With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's the place!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused. "What the hell would they want with a plasterer?"



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