HUMOR
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
Sag, you're it.
Hide and go pee.
20 questions shouted into your good ear.
Kick the bucket.
Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
Musical recliners.
Simon says something incoherent.
Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy.
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
You sell your home heating system at a yard
sale.
You have to write post-it notes with your kids'
names on them.
You change your underwear after a sneeze.
OLD IS WHEN:
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of
your face.
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.
Getting a little action means you don't need
fiber today.
Getting lucky means you find your car in the
parking lot.
An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!
Thoughts for the weekend
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up
our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd
all fall off.
If raising children was going to be easy, it
never would have started with something called labor!
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat
cells live forever.
But Most Of All, Remember
A Good Friend Is Like A Good Bra: Hard to
Find, Supportive, Comfortable, And Always Close To Your Heart.
DOCTOR'S ADVICE
I recently turned 65 and had to choose a new
primary care physician for my Medicare program. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing
"fairly well" for my age. A little concerned about that
comment, I could not resist asking him, "Do you
think I will live to be 80?"
He asked: "Do you smoke tobacco or drink
alcoholic beverages?"
"Oh no," I replied.
"I don't do drugs, either." "Do you have
many friends and entertain frequently?" I said,
"No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".
"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red
meat is unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like
playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot
of sex?"
"No," I said. "I
don't do any of those things. " He looked at me and said,
"Then why do you even care to live?"
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OLD FRIENDS
A month had passed, and Ken figured he
had seen the last of Larry, but one day,
Ken approached the park and -- lo and
behold!--there sat Larry!
Ken was very excited and happy to see
him and told him so. Then he said,
"For
crying out loud Larry, what in the world
happened to you?"
Larry replied,
"I have been in jail."
"Jail?"
cried Ken. "What in the world
for?"
"Well,"
Larry said,
"you know Sue, that
cute little blonde waitress at the
coffee shop where we sometimes go?"
"Yeah,"
said Ken,
"I remember her. What
about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges
against me, and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when
I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
The judge gave me 30 days
for perjury."
SHAGGY DUCK STORY
A duck walks into a bar and
says "excuse me barman can I have a beer
and a sandwich please". The barman looks
at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I
see your eyes are working", replies the
duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the
barman. "I see your ears are working",
says the duck, "Now can I have my beer
and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly",
says the barman, "sorry about that, it's
just we don't get many ducks in this
pub. What are you doing round this
way?". "I'm working on the building site
across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his
sandwich and leaves.
The duck visits the pub at lunch time
for a few weeks. Then one day the circus
comes to town and the circus ringmaster
drops in for a pint. The barman says
"You're with the circus aren't you? I
know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus, he talks,
drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvelous", says the ringmaster,
"get
him to drop by and see me."
So the next day when the duck arrives in
the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr. Duck,
I reckon I can line you up with a top
job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?",
says the duck, "Sounds great, where is
it?" "At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's
right", replies the barman.
"The
circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes"
says the barman. "That place with the
big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the
barman replies. "With all the animals?"
the duck
questioned. "Of course" the barman
replies. "With the big canvas roof with
the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's the place!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
"What the hell
would they want with a plasterer?"
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DID SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN |
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