Bear News Beartown News

AUGUST 1, 2004

HUMOR

  YOU MAY BE OLD

Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking... surely I cannot look that old?
   
    While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered,
"In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, and then the
#&*)+^>#* asked, "What did you teach?"


FUND RAISING

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.

PONDER THIS

What with elections coming up, we should all decide. How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans?  The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around  the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and
charges.  You are carrying a 1911 Colt .45 auto, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
 
   
Democrat's Answer:
 
    Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
   
Does the man look poor or Oppressed?
    Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
   
Could we run away?
    What does my wife think?
   
What about the kids?
    Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
   
What does the law say about this situation?
    Does the Colt have appropriate safety built into it?
   
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
    Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
   
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
    If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
   
Should I call 9-1-1?
    Why is this street so deserted?
   
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
    This is all so confusing!
   
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
 
   
Republican's Answer:
 
    BANG!
 
 
   Southern Republican's Answer:
 
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!  click....
(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!  click, click.
Daughter:
"Nice grouping, Daddy!    Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Black Talon hollow points??"


If you lived here, you'd be home now.

DID SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN


Email: dernc@sover.net


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