AUGUST 1, 2004
YOU MAY BE OLD
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking... surely I cannot look that old?
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago.
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1971. Why?"
"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely, and then the #&*)+^>#* asked, "What did you teach?"
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star-Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute organist became the permanent organist.
What with elections coming up, we should all decide. How do you tell the difference between Democrats, Republicans and Southern Republicans? The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with
your wife and two small children. Suddenly,
a dangerous looking man with a huge knife
comes around the corner, locks eyes with
you, screams obscenities, raises the knife,
If you lived here, you'd be home now.
Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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