Bear News Beartown News

AUGUST 1, 2001



He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I just got lost in thought; it was unfamiliar territory.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You can't have everything; where would you put it?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges?
Honk if you love peace and quiet!


When the wind is in the east,
Then the fishes bite the least;
When the wind is in the west,
Then the fishes bite the best;
When the wind is in the north,
Then the fishes do come forth;
When the wind is in the south,
It blows the bait in the fish's mouth.



Rufus and Clarence lived on opposite sides of the Bearkill River and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sunrise, the two old geezers would go to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!" Clarence would shout, "You better thank your lucky stars I can't swim er I'd swim across this river and whup your butt!!"
"Clarence!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I cain't swim er I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!"
This happened every morning for twenty years. Then the State built a bridge. Still, every morning, every day, for several more years the yelling went on even with the new bridge in place.
Finally Mrs. Rufus had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallers, "I cain't take no more!! You been threatenin' to whup Clarence for well over 20 years. Well, there's the bridge... have at it."
Rufus thought for a moment, chewed his bottom lip for another moment, and snapping his suspenders into place announced "Woman, I'm a gonna cross that bridge and whup Clarence's butt!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped onto the bridge, walked about halfway across the bridge, looked up.. TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK HOME, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DOVE UNDER THE BED!!!
"Rufus!" cried the misses, "I thought you waz gonna whup Clarence's butt?"
"I wuz, woman, I wuz!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses, "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the bridge and halfway across I looked up..."
"And?" asked Mrs. Rufus, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus,
"I saw a sign that said "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" He ain't never looked that big from this side of the river!!!"


Old Noah went a-fishing;
He sat upon the ark
And kept his hooks a-dangle
From daybreak on to dark.
His catch was pretty meager;
But every one affirms
He had no chance, because he
Had just a pair of worms.




Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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