Bear News Beartown News

JULY 1, 2010

HUMOR

LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH
KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.


IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU MOST LIKELY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE MEXICAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED AND DEPORTED WITHIN 24 HOURS

IF YOU CROSS THE U. S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET

  • A JOB,
  • A DRIVERS LICENSE,
  • SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
  • WELFARE,
  • FOOD STAMPS,
  • CREDIT CARDS,
  • SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
  • FREE EDUCATION,
  • FREE HEALTH CARE,
  • A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
  • BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
  • THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT IN THIS COUNTRY
  • AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE 

Aging:
Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.


Aging:
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.


 

ANNUAL  PHYSICAL

Mark was sitting in the doctor's office for his annual physical, going over a few fine points about his health with his doctor.
The doctor said, "Your blood pressure is a little high, Mark. You need to watch your diet and lose a little weight."
"But doc, I'm losing weight more and more each day."
"Oh, really? How are you doing it?" asked the doctor..
"Well, just six weeks ago, I'd eat lunch at 12:00 and have a snack around 3:00. Just today, I had breakfast at 7:30, waited two hours, had a snack at 9:30 and then I waited an hour and a half and ate lunch at 11:00. Then I waited 45 minutes and had a snack before coming here."
"And with this regiment, you're losing weight?" asked the doctor.
"Yeah," Walter said excitedly. "More meals and less wait!"


FREE  SNACK

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.  They were very excited.  Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next:  "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Jenny," said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.  The teacher held her breath...
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."  They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!"  Then I would say "It is dog shit.  Wanna buy a toothbrush?"  "I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."


The older we get,
the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line  for.


 

DID SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN


Email: dernc@sover.net


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