Bear News Beartown News

JULY 1, 2007



John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs (for you city folks). The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was "performing".  Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells. The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, and a very fine specimen he was, too.  But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!  So, John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing.  The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.  But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He would sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making:
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention!!

Hindu  Women

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We have
always naively thought that it had something to do with their religion. The Indian Embassy in Washington, D.C. has recently revealed the true story:
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her
wedding nigh,
the husband scratches off the spot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station or a motel in the United States. If not, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving
technical advice.




A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the Middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and notice that the girl has tied The wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to Run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar too, I think you could go faster"
The little girl replies thoughtfully,
"You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."


I bought a 2007 Lexus and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. "Watch  this!", he said, "Nelson"!
The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?" Willie!" He continued, and  "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and in an instant "Georgia On My  Mind" replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, "Beethoven," I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
"Beatles," I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, "Ass Holes!" Immediately the  French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch.
Damn, I LOVE this car!



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