Bear News Beartown News

JULY 1, 2006


APPLYING for a job at the CIA

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.  After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious!  I could never shoot my wife!"
"Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man.  "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair.  Take this gun and kill her."  The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife.  I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.  
"We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test.  Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots.
Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, trashing, and banging on the walls.  This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet. 
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
"You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks.  I had to beat the *%#(^@+> to death with the chair!"


A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.  Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, " she says.
 They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.  After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.  They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
 The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed!!  Everything had been SO incredible!!
"You know, " he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No, " she replies. . . .
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."

MAN of the HOUSE

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled 'You Can Be the Man of Your House.'
He stormed into the kitchen and walked directly up to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law!
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner you are going to go upstairs with me, and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
After that, you are going to draw me my bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then you will massage my feet and hands.
Then after that's done, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

His wife replied,
"The funeral director would be my guess."



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