Bear News Beartown News

JULY 1, 2004



Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.
Caller: Hi, is this the police?
Dispatcher: This is 911. Do you need police assistance?
Caller: Well, I don't know who to call. Can you tell me how to cook a turkey? I've never cooked one before.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one. What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband.

Dispatcher: Nine-one-one.
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn...I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster. Damn....
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What where you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the police.


A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again, " she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller 
Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M& M's. What a 
fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?"
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.


Aqmed, a fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, is plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he sees something far off in the distance.  Hoping to find water, he walks toward the image, only to find Sol, a little old Jewish man, sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
 Aqmed asks, "I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
 Sol replies, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie?  They're only $150.  Here's one that goes very nicely with your robes."
 The Arab shouts, "I don't want an overpriced tie, you idiot!  I need water!"
 The little Jewish old man replies, "OK, then, don't buy my ties.  But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about three miles, is a nice restaurant.  Walk that way; they'll have all the water you need."
 Aqmed begrudgingly thanks him, then staggers away towards the hill and eventually disappears.
 Four hours later, the Arab comes crawling back to where Sol is still sitting behind his card table.
 Sol says, "I told you, about three miles over that hill.  Couldn't you find it?"
 To which, Aqmed gasps, "I found it all right.  Your brother wouldn't let me in without a tie."


Cows, Is it just me or does anyone else find it amazing that our government can track a cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to
the stall where she sleeps in the state of Washington.  Also they track her calves to their stalls.  But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.

The solution is to give every illegal alien a cow.

If you lived here, you'd be home now.



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