Bear News Beartown News

JULY 1, 2003



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Home Remedies

 If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed. 
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink. 
High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
A mousetrap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.   Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.


 Sometimes we Just Need to Remember What The Rules of Life Really Are... You need only two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.



George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that  there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 50, and phoned the police again. "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"


The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to potty.
If You Woke up Breathing, Congratulations! You have another chance!
Be Really Good To Your Family and Friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan!

Favorite Quotes:

"Never Drive Faster Than Your Guardian Angel Can Fly."
"If At First You Don't Succeed, Destroy All Evidence That You Tried."
"Just because I'm wandering, Doesn't mean I'm lost!" 



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