The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled by a 2 to 1 vote that the words "under God" render the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional. If upheld, it could follow that "In God We Trust" may be removed from American currency, and Kate Smith recordings of "God Bless America" may have to be collected and burned.
The two justices who voted to ban the pledge were appointed by President Nixon and President Carter. Depending on your politics, it is allowable to blame President Reagan and President Clinton. The dissenting vote was cast by a judge appointed by President Bush #41, but it is also allowable to give credit to President Benjamin Franklin.
If hell freezes over and the ruling stands, then adjustments will need to be made. Always preparing for the worst case scenario, I propose the following simple solution. We change the word "God" to "dog".
These are the advantages to my plan:
1. "God" and "dog" have the same number of letters, so no extra space will be needed on the currency, and the Pledge will not delay students from getting back to sleep at their desks.
2. Indeed, the two words use the same letters, so we won't have to spend any of said currency on printing any new letters. The economy will not suffer.
3. Dogs are faithful, protective, friendly, and downright cute, all indications that they are truly American. You can get mad at them, but then make up, give them a bone, and they're ready to sleep at your feet again. The Marshall Plan survives!
4. All dogs go to heaven. This was proven by the almost-Oscar-nominated film of the same title, and what American who's ever seen a Kodak-Cola commercial could possible disagree. People who don't believe in heaven should watch the film again, this time with a young child and a puppy.
5. No one has ever accused a dog of causing anything , except the regularly scheduled mess. This is a very American trait. (Of course, there are some who accuse us of causing everything. These are called "people who don't vote".)
6. "In dog we trust" has a nice ring to it. America is known as the Watchdog of the World, and we doggedly pursue those who would oppose the cause of Democracy. "Dog Bless America" requires no melodic changes. "One nation, under dog" sounds a little strange, until we remember that great actor "Underdog", who was always there to save the day.
7. In times of despair, we will be able to say "doggone" with added meaning. On television and radio, and in family newspapers, we will now be able to say "dogdammit", and the FCC will only be able to say "doggone!"
8. We will, of course, have to immediately declare war on certain Asian countries in response to their unacceptable culinary habits. When they see us coming with our sharp teeth exposed, they will probably be ready to talk turkey.
9. Instead of the one-day Fourth of July holiday, we will now be able to celebrate all of the Dog Days of Summer.
10. Dogs love nothing better than riding down the highway with the wind in their face, believing that something better awaits them, even on their way to the vet. (It is arguable that they like a good nap even more, but that's just as patriotic!)
I am certain that these points could be boiled down to a 300,000-word piece of legislation that no one can understand, a compromise hammered out in committee, signed by the President (depending on your political leanings, that would be either President Bush #43 or President Gore), and sent to the states for ratification as an amendment to the Constitution. Ratification only requires two-thirds of the states' approval, which means we won't have to wait on that silly West Coast. Then we could move on to other pressing issues, such as the forthcoming television season and sending a few Rottweilers after bin-Laden and Saddam.
On second thought, forget it. There's probably some cat-loving bonehead who'd rather sue than have a discussion with his children about how great it is to live in a country where we can disagree without litigation, and he's just itching to get his name in the news. I refuse to subject my dogs to that sort of humiliation.