JULY 1, 2002
HAVE A FIFTH ON the FOURTH!
Now I lay me down to
You have just received the
Amish Computer Virus.
Because we don't use electricity, we don't have any computers or
ONE NATION UNDER DOG
Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled by a 2 to 1 vote that the words
render the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional. If upheld, it could
"In God We Trust"
may be removed from American currency, and Kate Smith recordings of
"God Bless America"
may have to be collected and burned.
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian; any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action there is an equal or opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and the narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw it away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your rear look fat.
A blonde (In her fourth year as a
Freshman) was sitting in a class at Beartown University
AT the BEARTOWN PUB
A man walks into the Beartown Pub, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.” The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got.” The bartender says, “What've you got?”
The guy says, “75 cents.”
In a spy novel I had just
read, the hero hid a letter
in a particular statue in Washington, D.C. Since I was in that
city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue
really contained the small niche the author had described. To my
great surprise, it did -- and a cellophane-wrapped letter was
inside. After a moment's hesitation, I pulled out the letter,
opened it, and burst into laughter.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So, Doc, look at this engine. I
open its heart, take valves out, fix'em, put 'em back in and when I finish, it works just like
new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and
whispered to the mechanic....."Try doing it with the engine running."
A BIG SHOT
Joe grew up in Beartown, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Beartown because he could be a big man here. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came to repair your phone."
Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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