Bear News Beartown News

JULY 1, 2002



Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the lord my computer to keep
if it dies before I wake
I pray I get another from Bill Gates!


You have just received the Amish Computer Virus. Because we don't use electricity, we don't have any computers or programming
experience, so
this virus works on the Honor system. Please delete all the files from your hard drive, and then manually forward this Virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation and.....may God bless
you, you English heathens.

Noha Graber,   The Amish Computer Engineering Department.


The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals has ruled by a 2 to 1 vote that the words "under God" render the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional. If upheld, it could follow that "In God We Trust" may be removed from American currency, and Kate Smith recordings of "God Bless America" may have to be collected and burned.
The two justices who voted to ban the pledge were appointed by President Nixon and President Carter. Depending on your politics, it is allowable to blame President Reagan and President Clinton. The dissenting vote was cast by a judge appointed by President Bush #41, but it is also allowable to give credit to President Benjamin Franklin.
If hell freezes over and the ruling stands, then adjustments will need to be made. Always preparing for the worst case scenario,
I propose the following simple solution. We change the word "God" to "dog".
These are the
advantages to my plan:
1. "God" and "dog" have the same number of letters, so no extra space will be needed on the currency, and the Pledge will not delay students from getting back to sleep at their desks.
2. Indeed, the two words use the same letters, so we won't have to spend any of said currency on printing any new letters. The economy will not suffer.
3. Dogs are faithful, protective, friendly, and downright cute, all indications that they are truly American. You can get mad at them, but then make up, give them a bone, and they're ready to sleep at your feet again. The Marshall Plan survives!
4. All dogs go to heaven. This was proven by the almost-Oscar-nominated film of the same title, and what American who's ever seen a Kodak-Cola commercial could possible disagree. People who don't believe in heaven should watch the film again, this time with a young child and a puppy.
5. No one has ever accused a dog of causing anything , except the regularly scheduled mess. This is a very American trait. (Of course, there are some who accuse us of causing everything. These are called "people who don't vote".)
6. "In dog we trust" has a nice ring to it. America is known as the Watchdog of the World, and we doggedly pursue those who would oppose the cause of Democracy. "Dog Bless America" requires no melodic changes. "One nation, under dog" sounds a little strange, until we remember that great actor "Underdog", who was always there to save the day.
7. In times of despair, we will be able to say "doggone" with added meaning. On television and radio, and in family newspapers, we will now be able to say "dogdammit", and the FCC will only be able to say "doggone!"
8. We will, of course, have to immediately declare war on certain Asian countries in response to their unacceptable culinary habits. When they see us coming with our sharp teeth exposed, they will probably be ready to talk turkey.
9. Instead of the one-day Fourth of July holiday, we will now be able to celebrate all of the Dog Days of Summer.
10. Dogs love nothing better than riding down the highway with the wind in their face, believing that something better awaits them, even on their way to the vet. (It is arguable that they like a good nap even more, but that's just as patriotic!)
I am certain that these points could be boiled down to a 300,000-word piece of legislation that no one can understand, a compromise hammered out in committee, signed by the President (depending on your political leanings, that would be either President Bush #43 or President Gore), and sent to the states for ratification as an amendment to the Constitution. Ratification only requires two-thirds of the states' approval, which means we won't have to wait on that silly West Coast. Then we could move on to other pressing issues, such as the forthcoming television season and sending a few Rottweilers after bin-Laden and Saddam.
On second thought, forget it. There's probably some cat-loving bonehead who'd rather sue than have a discussion with his children about how great it is to live in a country where we can disagree without litigation, and he's just itching to get his name in the news. I refuse to subject my dogs to that sort of humiliation.


1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian; any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action there is an equal or opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and the narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw it away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your rear look fat.


A blonde (In her fourth year as a Freshman) was sitting in a class at Beartown University
when the Professor asked her if she knew what
decision Roe vs. Wade was.
 She sat there for quite a while, pondering this very profound question, She  finally sighed and said,
"I think that was the decision George Washington made when he crossed the


A man walks into the Beartown Pub, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.” The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got.” The bartender says, “What've you got?”
The guy says, “75 cents.”



In a spy novel I had just read, the hero hid a letter in a particular statue in Washington, D.C. Since I was in that city at the time, on a whim I decided to see if the statue really contained the small niche the author had described. To my great surprise, it did -- and a cellophane-wrapped letter was inside. After a moment's hesitation, I pulled out the letter, opened it, and burst into laughter.
An unidentified reader had penned,
"Good book, wasn't it?"



A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service  manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic  shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked  over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.  The mechanic  straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
'So, Doc, look at this  engine.  I
open its heart, take valves out, fix'em, put 'em back in and  when I finish, it works just like
new.   So how come I  get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing  basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and  leaned over and
whispered to the mechanic.....
"Try doing it with the engine  running."


Joe grew up in Beartown, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Beartown because he could be a big man here. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.
One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details. "
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied,
"I'm from the phone company. I came to repair your phone."



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