the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some
advertising in the Beartown Weekly) were the main reason for
the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time,
front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to
be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's
second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and
knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line
again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person
at the end of
does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the
Betty, the town
gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals,
kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Most local residents were unappreciative of her
activities, but feared her enough to maintain their
silence. However, she made a mistake
when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an
alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside
the town's only bar one afternoon. Ted, a man of few
words, stared at her
for a moment and walked away.
that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her
house and left it there all night.
A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old
lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she
stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally
overtook him just before the checkout where she turned
to him and said: "I hope I
haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you
look so much like my late son." "Yeah,
but your mother said you'd pay for her..."
"Oh, that's ok," he
"I know it's silly,"
she continued, "but if you
called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make
me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded
through the checkout and as she left the supermarket,
the man called out "Goodbye
Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly
Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's
day the man went to pay for his groceries.
"That'll be 105 dollars and 35
cents," said the clerk.
"How come?" inquired
the man. "I've only bought a
many members of the Bush Administration are
to replace a light bulb?
Answer is SEVEN:
One to deny that a light
bulb needs to be replaced
One to attack and question
the patriotism of
anyone who has questions about the light bulb,
One to blame the previous
administration for the
need of a new light bulb,
One to arrange the
invasion of a country rumored
to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs,
One to get together with
Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay
Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a
One to arrange a photo-op
session showing Bush changing the light bulb
while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an
And finally one to explain
to Bush the difference
between screwing a light bulb and screwing the
MALE or FEMALE
You know how they say
a boat is referred to as
and classified as female? Well, everything
in this world actually does have a gender.
And here are some of them:
ZIPLOC BAGS are
male, because they hold everything in, but
you can always see right through them.
SHOES are male,
because they are usually unpolished, with
their tongues hanging out.
are female, because once turned off, they
take a while to warm up.
TIRES are male,
because they go bald and are often
HOT AIR BALLOONS
are male, because to get them to go anywhere
you have to light a fire under them and, of
course, there's the hot air part.
female, because they are soft, squeezable
and retain water.
THE SUBWAY is
male, because it uses the same old lines to
pick people up.
AN HOURGLASS is
female, because over time, the weight shifts
to the bottom.
male, because they haven't evolved much over
the last 5,000 years, but they are handy to
A REMOTE CONTROL
is female .. Ha! You thought I'd say "male."
But consider this: it gives men pleasure,
they'd be lost without it, and while they
don't always know the right buttons to push,
they keep on trying.
If you lived here,
you'd be home now.