Bear News Beartown News

JUNE 1, 2004



It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the Beartown Weekly) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of
the line...
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"


Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.
Most local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.  However, she made a mistake
when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon. Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and walked away.
Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

The Lost Son

A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said: "I hope I haven't made you feel uncomfortable - it's just that you look so much like my late son."
"Oh, that's ok," he said.
"I know it's silly," she continued, "but if you called out 'Goodbye, Mother' as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.
Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone's day the man went to pay for his groceries.
"That'll be 105 dollars and 35 cents," said the clerk.
"How come?" inquired the man. "I've only bought a few things!"
"Yeah, but your mother said you'd pay for her..."


How many members of the Bush Administration are needed
to replace a light bulb?


The Answer is SEVEN:
One to deny that a light bulb needs to be replaced
One to attack and question the patriotism of
anyone who has questions about the light bulb,

One to blame the previous administration for the
need of a new light bulb,

One to arrange the invasion of a country rumored
to have a secret stockpile of light bulbs,

One to get together with Vice President Cheney and figure out how to pay Halliburton Industries one million dollars for a light bulb,
One to arrange a photo-op session showing Bush changing the light bulb while dressed in a flight suit and wrapped in an American flag,
And finally one to explain to Bush the difference
between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.


You know how they say a boat is referred to as "She" and classified as female? Well, everything in this world actually does have a gender. And here are some of them:
ZIPLOC BAGS are male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SHOES are male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues hanging out.
PHOTOCOPIERS are female, because once turned off, they take a while to warm up.
TIRES are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS are male, because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.
THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
AN HOURGLASS is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS are male, because they haven't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but they are handy to have around.
A REMOTE CONTROL is female .. Ha! You thought I'd say "male." But consider this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep on trying.

If you lived here, you'd be home now.



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