JUNE 1, 2003
Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address
while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of
A good pun is its own reword.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the winner of the Washington Post's Style Invitational:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
VEGETABLE OIL CAR
is on the final leg of a 15,000-mile tour around
the country in a 1989 Volkswagen Jetta powered by
. . . vegetable oil.
"Chinese restaurants are best. They often use liquid oils, not solids, so I can pump it right into my tank," said the 26-year-old from Putney, VT, where he started in July and finishes tomorrow. yesterday, Noe-Hays stopped at Taunton High School to deliver the message he's taken across the country: There is an alternative to fossil fuel.
Veggie power is nothing new. Rudolph Diesel predicted it would work back in 1892 when he patented his internal combustion engine. But petroleum was cheaper then, and still is. A gallon of diesel today costs about $1.60, while Wesson oil goes for $7.50.
Noe-Hays gets his pre-used fuel for free -- although the Jetta is diesel-oil-powered until the gunk in the trunk warms up enough to run the engine. His major expense is a $10 filter every 50 miles because of french-fry clogs.
Since July, Noe-Hays has been driving from trash bin to trash bin, looking for fuel and dealing with curious people and animals. "Yosemite was particularly troublesome," he said. "The bears tried to eat my car."
was assigned to the induction center, where he
advised new recruits about their government
benefits, specially their GI insurance.
Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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