Bear News Beartown News

JUNE 1, 2003

HUMOR


BONERS

Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.
Nero was a cruel tyrant who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
The government of England is a limited Mockery.
Columbus was a great navigator who cursed about the Atlantic.
Many of the Indian heroes were killed, which proved very fatal to them.
Martin Luther died a horrible death.  He was excommunicated by a bull.
Watchword of the French Revolution: Liberty, Equality' and Maternity.
Magna Charta said that the King was not to order taxis without the consent of Parliment.
They gave William IV a lovely funeral.  It took six men to carry the beer.
The chief executive of Massachusetts is the electric chair.
The English planted colonels when they came to America, some of which grew rapidly.
Henry VIII had an abbess on his knee, which made walking difficult.
Shakespeare wrote tragedies, comedies and errors.
Donatello's interest in the female nude made him the father of the Renaissance.
Milton wrote "Paridise Lost": then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."
A metaphor is a thing you shout through.
A bamboo is an Italian baby.
Staying married to one woman is known as monotony.
Trigonometry is when a lady marries three men at the same time.
An octopus is a person who hopes for the best.
Ibid was a famous Latin poet.
A polygon is a man who has many wives.
Acrimony is what a man gives his divorced wife.
An illiterate child is one whose parents are not married.
A yokel is the way people talk to each other in the Alps.
In the middle of the nineteenth century, all the morons moved to Utah.
As she is going to be married next month, she is very busy getting her torso ready.
Capital punishment should not be used too frequently in schools.
The witness was warned not to purge himself.
 Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
There are only two crimes visited with capital punishment; murder and suicide.
A horse divided against itself cannot stand.
Our forefathers are not living as long as they did.
Most of the houses in France are made of Plaster of Paris


  PUNS

A good pun is its own reword.
Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.
I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Banning the bra was a big flop.
Sea captains don't like crew cuts.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
Without geometry, life is pointless.
When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

 

VOCABULARY REVIEW

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2002 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the winner of the Washington Post's Style Invitational:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

VEGETABLE OIL CAR

Abraham Noe-Hays is on the final leg of a 15,000-mile tour around the country in a 1989 Volkswagen Jetta powered by . . . vegetable oil.
He didn't take the high road, using store-bought Wesson or Pastene. The
"Green Mountain Grease Machine" drove coast-to-coast smelling like a Whopper and humming on 300 gallons of the stuff that restaurants throw out.
"Chinese restaurants are best. They often use liquid oils, not solids, so I can pump it right into my tank," said the 26-year-old from Putney, VT, where he started in July and finishes tomorrow. yesterday, Noe-Hays stopped at Taunton High School to deliver the message he's taken across the country: There is an alternative to fossil fuel.
Veggie power is nothing new. Rudolph Diesel predicted it would work back in 1892 when he patented his internal combustion engine. But petroleum was cheaper then, and still is. A gallon of diesel today costs about $1.60, while Wesson oil goes for $7.50.
Noe-Hays gets his pre-used fuel for free -- although the Jetta is diesel-oil-powered until the gunk in the trunk warms up enough to run the engine. His major expense is a $10 filter every 50 miles because of french-fry clogs.
Since July, Noe-Hays has been driving from trash bin to trash bin, looking for fuel and dealing with curious people and animals.
"Yosemite was particularly troublesome," he said. "The bears tried to eat my car."

GI  INSURANCE

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, specially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.   Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said:
"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.   Now," he concluded, "which group
do you think they are going to send into battle first?"


DID SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN


Email: dernc@sover.net


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