Bear News Beartown News

JUNE 1, 2002

HUMOR


REMEMBER
BURMA-SHAVE?

Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in Farmers' fields. They were small red signs with white letters. Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each containing 1 line of a 4 line Couplet ... and the obligatory 5th sign identifying Burma Shave.

       DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
       TO GAIN A MINUTE
       YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
       YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
      
**Burma-Shave**
       =========================
       DROVE TOO LONG
       DRIVER SNOOZING
       WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
       IS NOT AMUSING

       ===========================
       BROTHER SPEEDERS
       LET'S REHEARSE
       ALL TOGETHER
       GOOD MORNING NURSE

       ==================
       CAUTIOUS RIDER
       TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
       LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
       AND LOTS MORE STEER

       =======================
   
    THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
       OF PAUL FOR BEER
       LED TO A
       WARMER HEMISPHERE

      =======================
      SPEED WAS HIGH
       WEATHER WAS NOT
       TIRES WERE THIN
       X MARKS THE SPOT

       =============================
       AROUND THE CURVE
       LICKETY--SPLIT
       IT'S A BEAUTIFUL CAR
       WASN'T IT?

      =========================
       PASSING CARS
       WHEN YOU CAN'T SEE
       MAY GET YOU A GLIMPSE
       OF ETERNITY

       ===================
      NO MATTER THE PRICE
       NO MATTER HOW NEW
       THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
       IN THE CAR IS YOU

       =======================
       A GUY WHO DRIVES
       A CAR WIDE OPEN
       IS NOT THINKIN'
       HE'S JUST HOPIN'

       ========================
       AT INTERSECTIONS
      LOOK EACH WAY
       A HARP SOUNDS NICE
       BUT ITS HARD TO PLAY

       =====================
       BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
       EYES ON THE ROAD
       THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
       DRIVER'S CODE

       ===============================
       THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN
       HE'S BEEN DRINKING
       DEPENDS ON YOU
       TO DO HIS THINKING

  =====================

       PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
       TAKE IT SLOW
       LET OUR LITTLE
       SHAVERS GROW

       These sure bring back memories to those of us who drove or rode with parents in the years immediately preceding and following WWII.


       HARDLY A DRIVER
       IS NOW ALIVE
       WHO'S PASSED ON HILLS
       AT SEVENTY-FIVE

=====================
       IF YOU THINK SHE
       LIKES YOUR BRISTLES
       TRY WALKING BAREFOOT
       THROUGH SOME THISTLES

=====================
       LISTEN BIRDS
       THESE SIGNS COST MONEY
       YOU CAN ROOST ON 'EM
       BUT DON'T GET FUNNY

=====================
       IN THIS VALE
       OF TOIL AND SIN
       YOUR HEAD GROWS BALD
       BUT NOT YOUR CHIN

=====================
       DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
       OUT SO FAR
       IT MIGHT GO HOME
       IN ANOTHER CAR

=====================
       MY GAL CLAPPED HER HANDS
       WHEN SHE FELT MY FACE
       BUT WHEN SHE FELT MY HANDS
       SHE SLAPPED MY FACE

===============================
       APPROACHED A CROSSING
       WITHOUT LOOKING
       NOW WHO WILL EAT
       HIS WIDOW'S COOKING?

=====================
       IF HUGGING ON HIGHWAYS
       IS YOUR SPORT
       TRADE YOUR CAR
       FOR A DAVENPORT  
=====================
      BIG MISTAKE
       MANY MAKE
       RELY ON HORN
       INSTEAD OF BRAKE

====================
       A MAN--A MISS
       A CAR--A CURVE
       HE KISSED THE MISS
       AND MISSED THE CURVE

SALES PROMOTION

 
Recently the Bruin Gas & Oil station in Beartown was trying to increase its business so the owner put up a sign that said: "Free Sex with any Fill-up."
Soon a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his prize.
The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the
proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (6). Sorry, no free sex  this time, but better luck next time".
Some time thereafter, the same guy, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, Again he asked for his reward with the purchase.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were really close, but no free sex this time".
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "Man, I think that game is "rigged", and he don't give away no free sex".
His buddy replied, "Naw, it ain't rigged -- my wife won twice last week".

A BIG SHOT

After getting all Pope John-Paul II's luggage loaded in the limo (and His Holiness doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Eminence." says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!," pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatch. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," said the Chief.
"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.
"All the more reason."
"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.
"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"
"Bigger."
"Governor."
"Bigger."
"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
"I don't know", said the cop, "but he's got the Pope driving for him."

WOMAN'S PRAYER

Now I lay me
Down to sleep.
I pray the Lord
My shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles
Please no bags
And please lift my butt
Before it sags.
Please no age spots
Please no gray
And as for my belly,
Please take it away.
Please keep me healthy
Please keep me young,
And thank you Dear Lord
For all that you've done.

DID SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN


Email: dernc@sover.net


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