Bear News Beartown News

MAY 1, 2009



Tom retired in his early 50's and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn't seem to get to work on  time.
Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker and really sharp, so his boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk.
"Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic, you do a bang- up job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as your fellow workers."
Tom replied, "Yes, sir, I know. I'm sorry, but I am working on it."
"That's what I like to hear,"  his boss said. "However, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me, because I understand that you retired from the United States Air Force, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn't that correct?"
"Yes. I did retire from the Air Force, and I'm mighty proud of it!" said  Tom.
"Well, what did they say when you came in late?" asked his boss.
"They said, 'Good morning, General'."


I've sure gotten old!    
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia,   poor circulation; can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. 

I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. 
I have lost all my friends.

But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

Know how to prevent sagging? 
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied. 'Two years older than me'  
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.  
She responded,
'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 
'And what do you think is the best thing 
about being 104?'
the reporter asked.  
She simply replied,
'No peer pressure.' 

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs. 

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Grant me the senility to forget the people 
I never liked anyway, 
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and 
The eyesight to tell the difference.





Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
This site hosted by