HIGH SCHOOL ESSAYS
Her face was a perfect oval,
like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed
by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking
alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling
He spoke with the wisdom that
can only come from experience, like a guy who went
blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it, and now goes
around the country speaking at high schools about the
dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of
those boxes with a pinhole in it.
She grew on him like she was a
colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian
She had a deep, throaty, genuine
laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it
Her vocabulary was as bad as,
He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
The revelation that his marriage
of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's
infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a
formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
The little boat gently
drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting
the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable
From the attic came an unearthly
howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality,
like when you're on vacation in another city and
Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 instead of
Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after
The hailstones leaped from the
pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot
Long separated by cruel fate,
the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field
toward each other like two freight trains, one having
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55
mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of
They lived in a typical suburban
neighborhood with picket fences that resembled
John and Mary had never met.
They were like two hummingbirds who had also never
He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and
she was the East River.
Even in his last years, Granddad
had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been
left out so long, it had rusted shut.
Shots rang out, as shots are
known to do.
The plan was simple, like my
brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just
The young fighter had a hungry
look, the kind you get from not eating for awhile.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame
duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame,
maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
The ballerina rose gracefully en
Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a
dog at a fire hydrant.
It was an American tradition,
like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she
spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a
garbage truck backing up.
I was just walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting,
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in
the planks and looked through to see what was going on.
As I did, one of them poked me in the eye with a stick.
Then they all started shouting,
Bruce, a Canadian, went to a
yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to
me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those
'I've got problems. Every
time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I
think I'm going crazy.'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on
it,' said Bruce
Six months later the doctor met Bruce on the street. 'Why didn't
you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?' asked
'Well Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an
awful lot of money! A Saskatchewanian cured me for $10 and a 12
pack. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went out and
bought a new pickup.'
"Is that so, and how did a
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't
nobody under there now !!!'
DID SOMEBODY SAY