Bear News Beartown News

MAY 1, 2004



While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 70-year-old Massachusetts farmer whose hand had been caught in a fence while working his livestock, a doctor and the old man were talking about Senator John Kerry possibly being in the White House one day. The old farmer said, "Well, ya know, that Mr. Kerry is what we call a 'post turtle'."
Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.
The old man said,
"You know. When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle." The old man saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain, "You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor stupid turtle get down so he can crawl away..".

All I Need To Know About Life,   I Learned From A Cow

1.   Wake up in a happy mooo-d. 
2.   Don't cry over spilled milk.
3.   When chewing your cud, remember: There's no fat, no calories, no cholesterol, and  no taste!
4.   The grass is green on the other side of the fence.
5.   Turn the udder cheek and mooo-ve on.
6.   Seize every opportunity and milk it for all its worth!
7.   It's better to be seen and not herd.
8.   Honor thy fodder and thy mother and all your udder relatives.
9.   Never take any bull from anybody.
10.  Always let them know who's the bossy.
11.  Stepping on cowpies brings good luck.
12.  Black and white is always an appropriate fashion statement.
13.  Don't forget to cow-nt your blessings every day.


The day after losing his wife in a diving accident, a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
 "Tell me! Did you find her?" the man cried.
 The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
 Fearing the worse, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
 The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."
 "Oh my god!" said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
 The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound king crabs and a half-dozen good size Dungeness crabs on her."
 Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
 The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."


It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old  Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family  returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. The  boy asked what  they were for. "People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by.  "Wouldn't you know it, " the boy fumed, "The one Sunday I don't go, He shows up!"

If you lived here, you'd be home now.



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