Bear News Beartown News

MAY 1, 2002




Everything Southern has its Yankee counterpart.
Here's how to tell which is which:
The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes
The South has 'mater samiches
The North has coffeehouses
The South has Waffle Houses
The North has Mom
The South has Mama
The North has dating services
The South has family reunions
The North has switchblade knives
The South has Lee Press-on Nails
The North has saving the whales
The South has getting saved
The North has double last names
The South has double first names
The North has sensational tabloids
The South has neighbors

The North has the Mafia,
The South has NASCAR
The North has Indy car races
The South has Swamp Buggy races
The North has multiple branched family trees
The South has family trees with trunks and no branches
The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal
The South has grits
The North has green salads
The South has collard greens and chitlins
The North has lobsters
The South has crawdads
The North has flower gardens, bird baths,
and flagpoles in front yards
The South has cars on blocks,
pink flamingos, and washtubs in front yards


 *  Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
 *  Born 1903-Died 1942
 *  Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
 *  It was.
 *  In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
 *  Here lies an Atheist
 *  All dressed up
 *  And no place to go.
 *  On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East
 *  Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
 *  Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
 *  The Good Die Young.
 *  In a London, England cemetery:
 *  Here lies Ann Mann,
 *  Who lived an old maid
 *  But died an old Mann.
 *  Dec.  8, 1767
 *  In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
 *  Anna Wallace:
 *  The children of Israel wanted bread,
 *  And the Lord sent them manna.
 *  Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
 *  And the Devil sent him Anna.
 *  In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
 *  Here lies Johnny Yeast.
 *  Pardon me
 *  For not rising.


Golden Anniversary

As a new bride, Aunt Edna moved into the small home on her husband's farm near Beartown. She put a shoe box on a shelf in her closet and asked her husband never to touch it. For fifty years Uncle Jack left the box alone, until Aunt Edna was old and dying. One day when he was putting their affairs in order, he found the box again and thought it might hold something important.
Opening it, he found two doilies and $74,334 in cash. He took the box to her and asked about the contents.
"My mother gave me that box the day we married," she explained. "She told me to make a doily to help ease my frustrations every time I got mad at you."
Uncle Jack was very touched that in 50 years she'd only been mad at him twice. "
What's the $74,334 for?" he asked.
"Oh, that's the money I made selling the doilies."


 *  In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
 *  Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
 *  Stepped on the gas
 *  Instead of the brake.
 *  In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
 *  Here lays The Kid.
 *  We planted him raw.
 *  He was quick on the trigger
 *  But slow on the draw.
 *  A lawyer's epitaph in England:
 *  Sir John Strange.
 *  Here lies an honest lawyer,
 *  And that is Strange.
 *  John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne,
 *  England, cemetery:
 *  Reader, if cash thou art
 *  In want of any,
 *  Dig 6 feet deep;
 *  And thou wilt find a Penny

 *  In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
 *  On the 22nd of June,
 *  Jonathan Fiddle
 *  Went out of tune.
 *  Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont
 *  Here lies the body of our Anna -
 *  Done to death by a banana.
 *  It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
 *  But the skin of the thing that made her go.
 *  On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket,
 *  Massachusetts:
 *  Under the sod and under the trees,
 *  Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
 *  He is not here, there's only the pod.
 *  Pease shelled out and went to God.
 *  In a cemetery in England:
 *  Remember man, as you walk by,
 *  As you are now, so once was I.
 *  As I am now, so shall you be.
 *  Remember this and follow me.
 *  To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
 *  To follow you I'll not consent
 *  Until I know which way you went



Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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