Bear News Beartown News

MAY 1, 2000



Log On: Fill up the stove.
Log Off: Don't fill up the stove.
Monitor: Carefully observe the damper.
Download: Throw the blocks off the wagon.
Mega Hertz: Caused to backs and feet by the blocks.
Floppy Disk: The technical term for the back injury caused by the blocks.
RAM: Creates the mysterious power of the splitter.
Hard Drive: Traveling Beartown's roads in the winter.
Prompt: Hopefully what the snowplows will be after a storm.
Windows: Closed for the winter to keep the flies in.
Screen: Used when windows are opened.
Byte: Attack of the mosquito.
Chip: What you do to the ice on the roof
Micro Chip: Pieces of ice that fall to the ground.
Modem: What you did to the clover and alfalfa last summer
Dot Matrix: Dot Matrix's other sister.
Lap top: The upper side of the dog's tongue
Keyboard: Them ivories on da pianah.
Software: Rubber nuts and bolts.
Mouse: Maker of holes in Swiss cheese.
Main Frame: Truck member that connects the front to the back.
Port: Hightest wine found in liquor stores.
Enter: Hurry! Don't let the BTUs out!
Random Access Memory: Recollections of past experiences that probably didn't occur.


Every stitch you take on a Sunday you will have to rip out with your nose in heaven.
Some people would rather smoke here than hereafter.
A man born to be hung will never drown.
Fish don't bite on foggy days.
If the sun rises early and goes to bed soon, it will rain before night if not before noon.
Rain before seven quits by eleven.
If you marry in brown, you'll live in town.
The true sign of rain is when the eaves is running.
In every job you'll always have a fit and a misfit.
A good worker is just a definition for a damn fool.
The man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still.



Harvey needed a mule real bad, so he offered to buy a white mule from a farmer he knew. The mule was pretty old, but it was plenty smart and still strong. So he asked the man how much he wanted.
"Two hundred." said the man.
"How is that mule now -- is he still strong and healthy?" asked Harvey.
"Oh, he's still kickin'." said the man, sort of quite-like.
"I'll give ya one hundred twenty dollars' said Harvey, "and I'll pay it right now."
"Sold," said the farmer. "Come by in a few days and pick him up."
So Harvey waited a few days and went to get the mule., but the farmer told him the mule died right after he bought it, and bein' it was not his mule, but Harvey's, he was sorry but he'd have to keep the money. Harvey knew the farmer had him.
Harvey thought and then said "That's all right, I'll take the mule anyway." So they loaded it and he took it home. Then Harvey had an auction. He advertised everywhere: "One dollar for a chance on a fine white mule." He sold one hundred and sixty-two tickets.
About a week later, the farmer that sold him the mule stopped by and said "You must have had a lot of angry people when they found out that the mule was dead."
And Harvey said,
"Only one."


FREE SERVICE! Young man accepts full bottles of Duff Gordon Sherry; returns them empty, ready for insertion of ship. Prompt conscientious work guaranteed.

A visitor to Beartown walked up to 96 year old Hugh Rounds who was sitting on the bench outside the Post Office.
"I guess you've seen some changes in your day." said the flatlander.
"Yep, young man," said Hugh, "and I've been agin every one of 'em!"

A tourist joined several Beartown men sitting on the porch of the General Store. They were a taciturn bunch and, after several vain attempts to start a conversation, he finally asked, "Is there a law against talking in this town?"
"No law against it," answered one of the men, 'But there's an understanding no one's to speak unless he's sure he can improve on silence."

When a man retires and time is no longer a matter of urgent importance, his colleagues usually present him with a watch.


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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