had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I
was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue . .
. "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." ~Eleanor
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had
ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . and
now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain
secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a
good ending; and to have the two as close together as
possible. ~George Burns
Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year.
careful about reading health books. You may die of a
misprint. ~Mark Twain
would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates
was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho
wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and
then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante
never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa
Irish coffee provides in a single cup all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes
you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people
would stop dying. ~ Ed Furgol
can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery. ~Spike Milligan
opposed to millionaires........but it would be
dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain
was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
would be an ideal state if it came a little later in
life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith
feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then
it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope
A woman drove me to drink .. and I hadn't even the
courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields
drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in
it. ~W.C. Fields
only one drink to get me drunk.....the trouble
is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the
fourteenth. ~George Burns
certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its
way through Congress. ~Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older
it avoids you. ~Winston Churchill
it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything
else starts to wear out, fall out, or to spread out.
cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it
time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to
go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal
I just don't understand women. A few
days ago, my wife told me we had to
cut back on expenses, and that I had
to give up drinking beer. I was not a
big drinker; maybe a 12 pack on
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the
other day she came home from grocery
shopping and when I looked at the
receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said,
"Wait a minute. I've given up beer and
you haven't given up anything!"
"I buy that makeup for you, so I can
look pretty for you."
I told her,
"Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
SD) A peaceful Sunday of
fishing turned sour for Josh Williams
recently. The problems started when
Mr. Williams hooked a nice smallmouth
bass, and a bald eagle took notice.
While the eagle swooped in, attempting
to catch the bass in its talons, Mr.
Williams was observed by a Fish and
Wildlife Service officer trying to
scare the eagle away by throwing
stones at it.
The FWS officer testified in U.S.
District Court of South Dakota that
Mr. Williams had clearly violated one
of the Endangered Species Act's
prohibited activities that
specifically makes it illegal to "...harass....an
endangered or threatened species
without a permit from the Secretary of
the Department of the Interior."
The judge agreed, finding the man
guilty of a misdemeanor violation of
the Act. The judge was lenient in
sentencing, however, requiring only
that the man apologize to the eagle.
Mr. Williams expressed remorse,
stating that the eagle would be
welcome to help him fish anytime it
wanted to. The eagle had no comment.
friend is someone who knows you're a
good egg even if you're a little
merely anger........... Without