I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue . . . "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single cup all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people
would stop dying. ~ Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.  ~Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires........but it would be
dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in
life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then
it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink .. and I hadn't even the
courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.....the trouble
is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the
fourteenth. ~George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older it avoids you. ~Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything
else starts to wear out, fall out, or to spread out.
~Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it
out. ~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal