Bear News Beartown News

APRIL 1, 2006


I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue . . . "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister . . . and now wish to withdraw that statement. ~Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. ~George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea ... Visit people only once a year. ~Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. ~Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce. ~Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. ~Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. ~Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. ~Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. ~Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single cup all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. ~Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. ~Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people
would stop dying. ~ Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.  ~Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires........but it would be
dangerous to offer me the position. ~Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was 'shut up'.
~Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in
life. ~Herbert Henry Asquith

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then
it's time for my nap. ~Bob Hope

A woman drove me to drink .. and I hadn't even the
courtesy to thank her. ~W.C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. ~W.C. Fields

It takes only one drink to get me drunk.....the trouble
is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the
fourteenth. ~George Burns

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... As you grow older it avoids you. ~Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything
else starts to wear out, fall out, or to spread out.
~Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it
out. ~Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~Billy Crystal


I just don't understand women. A few days ago, my wife told me we had to cut back on expenses, and that I had to give up drinking beer. I was not a big drinker; maybe a 12 pack on weekends---
Anyway, I gave it up but I noticed the other day she came home from grocery shopping and when I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup. I said,
"Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything!"
She said,
"I buy that makeup for you, so I can look pretty for you."
I told her,
"Hell, that's what the beer was for!"


(Sioux Falls, SD) A peaceful Sunday of fishing turned sour for Josh Williams recently. The problems started when Mr. Williams hooked a nice smallmouth bass, and a bald eagle took notice. While the eagle swooped in, attempting to catch the bass in its talons, Mr. Williams was observed by a Fish and Wildlife Service officer trying to scare the eagle away by throwing stones at it.
The FWS officer testified in U.S. District Court of South Dakota that Mr. Williams had clearly violated one of the Endangered Species Act's prohibited activities that specifically makes it illegal to " endangered or threatened species without a permit from the Secretary of the Department of the Interior."
The judge agreed, finding the man guilty of a misdemeanor violation of the Act. The judge was lenient in sentencing, however, requiring only that the man apologize to the eagle. Mr. Williams expressed remorse, stating that the eagle would be welcome to help him fish anytime it wanted to. The eagle had no comment.


"A true friend is someone who knows you're a good egg even if you're a little cracked."

Depression is merely anger........... Without Enthusiasm.



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