Bear News Beartown News

APRIL 1, 2003

HUMOR


SCRABBLE???

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly
at Scrabble.
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

DORMITORY:  DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST:  EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION:  A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE:  HERE  COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:  CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:  IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW:  WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:  ALAS!  NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT:  I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: TWELVE PLUS ONE
And for the grand finale: PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA: (With no letters left over and using each letter only once): TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS

   AIRPLANE SECURITY

A man is sitting next to the window in an airliner, which is about to takeoff, when another man with a Labrador Retriever sits down in the two empty seats alongside him.
The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The dog's handler said,
"Don't mind Sniffer.... he's a "sniffing" dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to
work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,
"Watch this."
He tells the dog,
"Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. He then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. His master pats him on the head and tells him "Gooood boy!"
The handler turns to the first man and says,
"That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police, who will apprehend her on arrival."
"That unbelievable!" replies the first man.
Once again the handler sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The handler says,
"That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."
"Amazing!" says the first man.
A third time the handler sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks,
"What the heck is going on?"
The handler nervously replies,
"Sniffer just found a bomb!"

 

MEDICAL  PROBLEM?

Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room. A half-hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had. Buford said, "Shingles." The doctor said, "Where?"
Buford said,
"Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

 

The Blind Golfer

A lady golfer who visits a driving range to tone up before a game, is about to tee off, when she notices the man next to her. "Pardon me, sir" she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction --- back towards the golf shop." "Oi! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm blindt." He then turns around and starts hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asks the lady how he is doing.
"Not bad." she answers. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long. Only a few of them are slicing."
"Tanks, again, Missus," he replies. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings." A few shots later, he enquires again. "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"
"Not at all," she replies.
"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fat?"
"You're quite presentable," she replies "I don't think that should be a problem."
Smiling now, he exults "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."
He was about to hit another ball when the lady interrupts him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asks
"Soitenly! Listen, I'll take all de help what youv'e got I vill take." he answers.
"Lose the Jewish accent." she replies. "You're Chinese."



DID SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN


Email: dernc@sover.net


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