Bear News Beartown News

APRIL 1, 2001



Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip in Beartown, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you/"
Watson ponders for a moment. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately three thirty. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a minute and then speaks.
"Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"


One morning Aunt Bertha called her neice and said, "Please come over and help me. I have this most awesome jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to start it"
The niece asks, "What is it a picture of?"
Aunt Bertha replies, "From the picture on the box, its a tiger."
The niece figures she's pretty good at puzzles and heads over to help her Aunt.
Aunt Bertha meets her at the door and takes her to the diningroom where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. The niece studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box, and then looks at the hundreds of pieces again. Then she says to her Aunt, "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these
Frosted Flakes back into the box."


People who know tigers
Very very well
All agree that tigers
Are not hard to tell.

The way to tell a tiger is
With lots of room to spare.
Don't try telling them up close
Or we may not find you there.



An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste - you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!


Pick fresh icicles, run them through a pencil sharpener, and shape them into patties. Fry the patties until there aren't any. Serve them just as they aren't.


A man in a hot-air balloon realized he was lost. Upon reducing altitude he spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot-air balloon hovering appeoximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know."
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything that you told me is technically correct; but I have no idea of what to make of your information, and the fact is, I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much of a help so far."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position that you were in before we met; but now, somehow, it's my fault."


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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