HUMOR
SHERLOCK
HOLMES
Sherlock
Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip in Beartown,
set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later,
Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you/"
Watson ponders for a moment. "Astronomically
speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it
tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to
be approximately three thirty. Theologically, it's
evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a
beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a minute and then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone
has stolen our tent!"
PUZZLE
One
morning Aunt Bertha called her neice and said, "Please
come over and help me. I have this most awesome jigsaw
puzzle and I can't figure out how to start it"
The niece asks, "What is it a picture of?"
Aunt Bertha replies, "From the picture on the box,
its a tiger."
The niece figures she's pretty good at puzzles and heads
over to help her Aunt.
Aunt Bertha meets her at the door and takes her to the
diningroom where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table. The niece studies the pieces for a minute, then
studies the box, and then looks at the hundreds of pieces
again. Then she says to her Aunt, "First, no matter
what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to
assemble these pieces to look like the picture of that
tiger. Second, I'd advise you to relax, have a cup of
coffee, and put all these Frosted Flakes back into the box."
HOW
TO TELL A TIGER
People who
know tigers
Very very well
All agree that tigers
Are not hard to tell.
The way to
tell a tiger is
With lots of room to spare.
Don't try telling them up close
Or we may not find you there.
DID
SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN
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THERE
WAS LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
An
application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was
something you lost with age
A CD was a bank account!
And if you had a broken disk,
It would hurt when you found out!
Compress
was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was
adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you
did with a pocket knife
Paste - you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll
stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
ICEBERGERS
RECIPE
Pick fresh
icicles, run them through a pencil sharpener, and shape
them into patties. Fry the patties until there aren't any.
Serve them just as they aren't.
HOT
AIR BALLOON
A man in a
hot-air balloon realized he was lost. Upon reducing
altitude he spotted a man below. He descended a bit more
and shouted "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised
a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know
where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot-air balloon
hovering appeoximately 30 feet above the ground. You are
between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59
and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man. "How did you know."
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything
that you told me is technically correct; but I have no
idea of what to make of your information, and the fact is,
I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much of a help
so far."
The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how
did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know
where you are or where you are going. You have risen to
where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and
you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is, you are
in exactly the same position that you were in before we
met; but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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