Bear News Beartown News

APRIL 1, 2000


A cheerful old bear at the zoo
Could always find something to do.
When it bored him to go
On a walk to and fro,
He reversed it, and walked fro and to.


It's helps for liars to have a good memory.
The worst of law is that one suit breeds twenty.
A slip of the tongue, no fault of the mind
Every man thinks his own geese swans.
Better be ready and not go than to go and not be ready.
An old maid don't know nuthin' but what she imagines.
Hain't scarcely nuthin' in the world so powerful as perversity if ye knows how to harness it.
You have to summer and winter together in Vermont before you really know each other.
Suppers kill more than the greatest doctors can cure.
Might as well be hanged for an old sheep as for a lamb.

There was a young fellow named Hall,
Who fell in the spring in the fall:
'Twould have been a sad thing
If he had died in the spring,
But he didn't -- he died in the fall.

A woman, new to Vermont within the last year came up to the polling booth to get her ballots.
"With what party are you affiliated with?" asked the Board of Civil Authority member.
"Ah done don't think ah ought to tell dat yit." said the woman.
"You have to tell what party you are affiliated with, or you can't vote." said the election worker.
"Now ah really don't think I can do that now." replied the woman.
"Why not?"
"Cause he ain't done got his divorce yet."


At a recent fireman's dinner, the tables were full with another record turnout. A farm worker was working on a heaping plate of meat, potatoes, and gravy. Seated to his right was a woman in a beautiful white silk dress that was only having the tomato soup which contained no meat. Due to the crowded conditions the farmhand bumped the soup bowl causing it to spill onto his neighbor's white dress.
She kept down an impatient exclamation, and simply remarked, "What a pity>"
The farm worker looked at the stains, and said, with a resigned sigh: "Ah, it don't matter. I don't like that stuff, anyway."


She's busy as a frog in a butter churn.
Save your breath to cool your porridge.
He stands out like a blackberry in a pan of milk.
She's so short she'd have to stand on a milk pail to look down a woodchuck hole.
She's as dainty as a cow with snowshoes on.
Vermont has two kinds of weather -- winter, and the Fourth of July.
He's so narrow minded he can look through a keyhole with both eyes at once.
He was so crooked they had to use a corkscrew to bury him.
He's as independent as a hog on ice with its tail froze in.
She's so homely she'd scare the hoss, and chase the driver.

The mathematics professor and his fiancee were out roaming in the fields when she plucked an early spring flower and looking roguishly at him, began to pull off the petals, saying, "He loves me, he loves me not ---"
"You are giving yourself a lot of unnecessary trouble," said the professor. "You should count up the petals, and if the total is an even number the answer will be in the negative; if an uneven number, in the affirmative."

How did the Beartowntonian tell his twins apart?
The boy was taller than the girl.

On the maiden voyage of the newly formed Beartown Airlines, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of myself and the crew, we'd like to welcome you aboard the initiation flight of Beartown Airlines from Beartown to Chicago. We will be flying at an altitude of ten thousand feet and traveling at a ground speed of 200 miles per hour. We will be making three stops along the way ... two for fuel and one for directions!"


Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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