MARCH 1, 2008
A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new
immigrant to the United States. He stops the first
person he sees walking down the street and says,
"Thank you Mr. American for
letting me in this country , giving me housing, food
stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
To those who know Catholics or who are a Catholic,
I think you will enjoy this list.
This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics, for the less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.
The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
Your receipt for attending Mass
A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
The original "Jaws" story.
When kids have kids of their own.
The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (It means Lord
The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph
wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing
us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of
Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
A Great Cup of Tea
noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes
your life more complicated? I heard a story about a mother who was
sick with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse.
She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to
read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea.
The Obedient Wife
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife . . . . .'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, 'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her and she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All Rights Reserved
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