Bear News Beartown News

MARCH 1, 2008

HUMOR

IMMIGRANT

A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !"
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, "Thank you for the wonderful America!" That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East , I am not American!"
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa!"
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!!!!!!!
IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, TOMORROW AT 11:30 AM YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.


CATHOLICS
 

To those who know Catholics or who are a Catholic,
I think you will enjoy this list. 
This information is for Catholics only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics, for the less they know about our rituals and code words, the better off they are.
AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass
CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.
JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (It means Lord
have mercy.)
MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph
wasn't covered by an HMO. (The Bible's way of showing
us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of
Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

A Great Cup of Tea
 

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it makes your life more complicated? I heard a story about a mother who was sick with the flu. Her darling daughter wanted to be a good nurse. She fluffed the pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she showed up with a cup of tea.
"You're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea. "I didn't know you could make tea."
"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. "I put the tea leaves in the water like you do, and I boiled it, and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I used the flyswatter."
"You what?"
And the little girl said,
"Oh, don't worry, Mom. I didn't use the new flyswatter. I used the old one."



The Obedient Wife

 

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife . . . . . 'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, '
Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her and she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, 'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied,
'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
'You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a check.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'


DID SOMEBODY SAY
BEARTOWN


Email: dernc@sover.net


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