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 MARCH 1, 2006 |
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MARCH 1, 2006 |
HUMOR
For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake. ('nuf said)
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There are two times when a man doesn't understand a
woman: Before marriage and after marriage.
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The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss,"
said the foreman, "have you any
actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter if fact,
yes!" she replied.?
"I've been married and divorced three
times."
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I was in the express lane at
the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the
sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out
line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my
delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked
into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like
to buy?"
Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
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The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected
is that they would hate to have to make a living under
the laws
they've passed.
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All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle.. They reached the altar and the
waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something
in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples
of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father
gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit
card.
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A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something
terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisioning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm
certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers,
"Tell you what. Let me talk
to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says,
"Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone
for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the
Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."
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PHARMACIST
A lady walks into a drug store and
tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy", I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!" Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, hell, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Three friends from the
local congregation were asked,
"When
you're in your casket, and friends
and congregation members are mourning
over you, what would you like them
to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented:
"I
would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and servant of God
who made a huge difference in
people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them
to say, "Look, he's moving!"
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Copyright 2000 Claude Dern, All
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