Bear News Beartown News

MARCH 1, 2006


For   Sale:  Wedding dress, size 8.  Worn once  by mistake.    ('nuf  said)
 There are  two times when a man doesn't understand a woman:  Before marriage and after marriage.
The  woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified   for the  job.
"Look  Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well,  as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.? "I've been married and divorced  three times."
I  was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely  ignoring  the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.  Imagine  my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into  the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you  like to  buy?"
 Wouldn't  it be great if that happened more   often?
The reason  congressmen try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to  make a living under the laws they've passed.
All  eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle..   They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father  and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front  pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled  broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
A man  goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about  it."
The Rabbi asked,  "What's  wrong?"
The  man replied, "My wife is poisioning me." 
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain  she's poisoning me, what should I  do?"
The  Rabbi  then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you  know."
 A week later the  Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke  to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for  three hours. You want my  advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied,  "Take the  poison."


A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said,
"Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said,
"Lord have mercy", I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband!
That's against the law! I'll lose my license, and they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

 Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
 The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,
"Well, hell, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Three friends  from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket,  and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you  like them to  say?"  
Artie  said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual  leader, and a great family  man."
Eugene  commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and  servant of God who made a huge difference in people's  lives."
Al said:  "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"



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